Rebuilding the Mind
by twilightedheart
Summary: Edward left, and Jacob was never there for her. When Edward comes back 5 years later, he finds that Bella isn't happy. Instead she is insane.
1. Chapter 1: Homecoming

**Rebuilding**

It has been five years since I've seen Bella, or talked to her in anyway. I needed to see her again; it was mental agony to stay away from her, even though I had her best interests in mind.

I thought of Bella every day, every night. Each passing second was painful for me, I wanted to be with Bella, I wanted to go back, but I couldn't. We were dangerous to her, she deserved a normal life. I could live in agony because of my decision, but Bella couldn't be stuck in the same hell as me.

Alice reported that she had seen nothing unusual in Bella. All of her visions of Bella were fine, or so she said. I could tell she was hiding something, but when I confronted her, she would start to hum a random song, so I couldn't read her thoughts. That drove me mad, what was Alice hiding from me?

Then finally one day, I had enough. I had to see Bella, I just had to see Bella. I couldn't live like this anymore. I begged Carlisle to let us move back to Forks, and he immediately agreed. I knew that secretly he wanted to me to go back, I knew that I haven't really been much company since we left.

Homecoming, it's strange but the word brought excitement to me. I knew that at soon as I enter Forks, I could go and see Bella. Part of me still resisted that idea; Bella needs a normal life_ away_ from people like you! But I couldn't. Oh, what I would do to have her in my arms again.

That night, as soon as I got back, I ran from my house in silence, and headed toward Bella's house. The night was my cloak from the rest of the world, so I ran as fast as I could. I was excited, I was about to see Bella again! But part of knew that there was a possibility that she has already moved on. I wondered how hurt I would feel if Bella was truly happy with someone else. I knew that it was entirely my fault, so I knew that if she was happy with someone else, I will just have to live all eternity without Bella.

There was the window, I jumped and easily held on to the siding. Then I climbed up the window.

The window was open; I started to grin. Was Bella waiting for me? I quietly slipped through the window, imagining Bella sleeping there. But that wasn't what I saw.

Bella wasn't in the bed; she wasn't in the room anywhere. I started to panic. Did Bella get kidnapped? Or what if she fell and hurt herself? I was starting to hyperventilate, when I noticed something.

The room was covered in a layer of fine dust. The dust covered everything in the room, and it hit me.

Bella wasn't here, and she hasn't been here for a long time.


	2. Chapter 2: Found

It was Carlisle's first day back to work. It's been five years since he was at the operating table, and the scent of blood was a little stronger than before, but nothing he couldn't handle.

I decided to follow Carlisle to the hospital today. It has been days, and I couldn't find Bella anywhere. I needed to do something to take the gloom off, so I was going to be Dr. Cullen's little assistant today,

"We're so glad you decided to come back, Dr. Cullen." Dr. Snow's voice was filled with relief and gratitude, "You are one of our most brilliant surgeons; it's an honor to work with you again."

Carlise laughed, "Why, thank you Dr. Snow, but it's always an honor to work alongside my colleagues to save lives."

As we walked down the hall, I saw several nurses turn their heads on us and gape in amazement.

_It's Dr. Cullen!_ Thought one young nurse a little too enthusiastically. _But who's that guy with him? He looks way to young to be a doctor._

I pushed myself out of her head. I didn't want to be ogled at; I just wanted to find Bella. It was strange, because her scent was all over Forks, but she wasn't anywhere where I checked. It didn't seem like she left Forks either, because her scent stopped in the boundaries of Forks. It was almost like she disappeared, or…died. I shuddered at the thought, but quickly pushed it out of my head.

I saw Dr. Snow look at me with interest. _Hm…Looks a little young to be an assistant surgeon, maybe it will be safer if I stick him the long term illness section._

I sighed. Technically I was an even more accomplished doctor than him, but who was I to argue? I looked like a seventeen year old kid, and seventeen year old kids aren't supposed to have already gone through medical schools several times.

Dr. Snow interrupted my thoughts.

"Well, Dr. Cullen, you come with me, while Edward, I'll have someone take you to where you're supposed to go."

Carlisle disappeared with Dr. Snow, then minutes later an elderly nurse came out.

"You're Edward aren't you? She snapped. She seemed very no nonsense and strict.

"Yes, I am Edward." I was a little taken back at her expression. She looked very angry for some reason.

_Another little brat. After the last one, I would've thought Dr. Snow would've learn his lesson already!_

There was the answer to my question; obviously she had a problem with teenagers.

"You may call me Mrs. Vorbeck." Then she gripped my hand and pulled me sharply toward a room on the end of the hall.

"You will be working in the long term illness section today. Choose your patient and keep him/her company."

Then she shoved me into the room and slipped in before she closed the door with a loud slam.

"Now, just be very calm and slow around them. They aren't used to loud noises and sharp movements." Funny, she seems to be doing the exact opposite of what she just told me.

"Now, I'll be back in a flash, just don't cause any trouble!" Then she stepped outside and stomped away.

I sighed. Humans can be so crabby. Then I wandered around the room. There wasn't that many people in this section; only 2 people. One was sitting outside reading a book, while the other was behind a curtain.

Something about the one behind the curtain sparked my curiosity. I felt a sudden pull from that person that I couldn't explain, so I slowly crept over to the patient's bed and withdrew the curtain. What I saw made me gasp in shock.

There, dressed in a white hospital sheet, looking out the window, was Bella.

"Bella?" I whispered. I couldn't believe my eyes. Bella was here all the time.

Bella didn't appear to have heard me. She just continued to stare out the window. I noticed how fragile and tired she looked. Her eyes had dark bags under them and her skin was an unhealthy white. Her hair looked wispy and unattended to. Overall, she looked terrible, but what scared me the most was the fact that she didn't seem to hear me.

"Bella?" I turned her so she could see my face. Her dead eyes looked at me; they seemed to burn into my mind, but they held no recognition. It was like she was looking, but she wasn't seeing.

I heard the door open and close again with that sharpness, and I knew that it was Mrs. Vorbeck again.

"Where is that boy?" She was spluttering, then she walked over to where Bella and I was.

"This is the patient you chose?" She seemed a bit incredulous, although I didn't understand why.

I turned and looked into her eyes. Her eyes were filled with sympathy as she looked at Bella.

"What happened to her?" I whispered. I didn't want to believe that I was the one who did this to her.

She sighed.

"It was a sad tale. Miss Swan here has been here for almost five years." She sighed, and that sentence bit into my heart, Five years ago was when I left.

"Her father, Chief Swan, was getting worried about her. She wasn't eating well, she wasn't sleeping well. She was like an empty shell, attending to daily errands with no feeling whatsoever. So he sent her here."

Then she shook her head, her eyes were getting wet now.

"When she arrived she was in a catatonic state. She was hitting herself and ripping out her hair. It was terrible. When she finally sank into a catatonic stupor she was all bloody."

I saw a picture of Bella in her mind. It made me cry out of pain. It showed Bella screaming and stabbing her body with her fingernails. Her nails ripped off parts of her skin, exposing blood. It reminded me of that day when James nearly killed her, except worse. This time I was the cause of her pain, and this pain doesn't heal as fast.

I didn't want to see anymore. I looked at my Bella; she was staring out the window again. I couldn't believe what I'd done. I had destroyed her! I gritted my teeth, and focused back on Mrs. Vorbeck. She was pausing, studying my expression with confusion.

"She's been like this all these years, still in a catatonic stupor, except now she's suffering chronic depression. Nothing has worked. We tried psychiatrist after psychiatrist, nothing; she doesn't respond to us. It's like we're not even there. She's been like this for a while, but the worse thing is she's seemed to forget everything; who she is, who her loved ones are, all she does is stare out the window. We don't know if she wants to forget, or if she just can't remember."

She shook her head sadly, "I suggest you try to assist another patient, perhaps Mr. Brown?"

I shook my head, agony gripped me. Because of me, my Bella is reduced to this.

"Is there no hope…?" I hesitated. If the answer was a no, then I don't think I can live with myself.

Mrs. Vorbeck shook her head.

"We're not sure." Then she smiles at me for the first time today.

"But perhaps you can break through her; you are the son of the Dr. Cullen."

Then she silently left, and closed the door with no sound,

I looked at Bella, her eyes were on me again, but her face showed no expression. She was just looking at me.

As I stared into Bella's eyes, I thought I could see the old Bella jumping out of this shell; laughing. Why did I ever leave?

That's when I vowed to myself, and to her, that I will save her.

This was my fault, so I'm going to fix it.


	3. Chapter 3: Hopeless

I didn't leave Bella. I stayed with her the whole day, and only left temporarily when Mrs. Vorbeck kicked me out at night.

"I'm truly sorry, Edward, but visiting hours are over!" She shouted at me when I refused to leave.

No matter what approach I said to her, she still insisted that I leave, I could see that she was very stubborn, so I finally got up and left. Then I came back when I was sure no one was in the room, making sure that Mrs. Vorbeck had already left to go home.

I sat on Bella's bed and stroked her hair while Bella stared at the window; her dead eyes searching for something that wasn't there. She didn't move under my touch, and she didn't look at me. It was almost like she wasn't aware that I was there.

"Edward?" I jumped, startled at the noise, then I sighed; it was only Alice. For a moment I had thought it was Bella.

She climbed out of the window and jumped quietly to the ground. Then she glided as silently and gracefully as an angelfish to my side while staring at Bella the whole time.

"I never saw… I didn't imagine that…" she repeated over and over again.

Then Alice turned to me.

"Edward, I'm really sorry." She whispered, I could hear the guilt in her voice.

I sighed, "It's not your fault Alice. It's not your fault that you didn't see what Bella went through." My voice wavered. I still couldn't believe that because of me, Bella was like this.

We sat in silence; Bella was still staring out of the window, Alice was still sinking in her guilt, and I was still stroking Bella's hair. The silence seemed endless, and never once did Bella eyes ever leave the window.

I looked at Bella; and now her eyes took on another emotion. Instead of looking flat and dead, they looked hopeless. The emotion hit me with such force that I almost started to weep. Because I knew then what Bella was thinking about.

She was thinking that I would never come back; she was thinking that she would never see me again. I realized that at that moment my love gave up. She gave up on me, even though I was right next to her. That's when I realized how sick she really was.

I grabbed her shoulders and turned her around a little too roughly.

"Bella! Bella! It's me, Edward. I'm here, my love. I'm here! Don't give up! You can get through this. You can!" If I could cry, then my tears would cry a river.

Bella just looked at me with those same hopeless eyes, then her eyes returned to the window. Then I saw a tiny sparkle running down her cheek.

I single lone tear followed by millions of others ran down her face. She was crying, but they were not tears of joy. They were tears of despair.

I gently wiped the tears off her face, but every time I wiped them off more came. The tears were cutting into my heart. Her pain was my pain.

But no matter what I said to her, no matter how much I tried to convince her that I was there with her, she never stopped crying. She never stopped staring out the window. She never looked my way.

Alice stared at Bella with an expression of absolute pain. I knew that it hurt her too, but she kept silent; her grief filled the emptiness.

I couldn't even tell you how long Bella just sat there and cried silently. Each tear made the hole in my heart rip open wider. How can I convince my angel that I was here?

Then finally she closed her eyes and fell asleep in my hands, still unknowing that I was there, and the drizzle of tears finally stopped.

Her face was so peaceful when she slept, so calm. She didn't look tortured now, and I was glad that her dreams were at least more pleasant than her thoughts.

But her sleeping wasn't natural; her body was too tense, and she never moved. She was as still and tense as a statue.

I looked at Alice, and Alice was looking at me.

"I think we should get Jasper in here." She said unexpectedly.

I just stared at her; my confusion on my face.

"He might be able to calm her down, or tell us what's happening here. Emotions tie into mental diseases, and emotions are Jasper's specialty."

I thought about it, then nodded. I looked over at Bella, sleeping so tensely, and continued to stroke her hair.

_Don't give up Bella._ I silently thought out to her, hoping that somehow she will hear me. _I'm going to do anything to help you. You __**will**__ get better, I promise._

The only thing is… I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure what else I can do for her that the hospital didn't already do for her.

No, I couldn't fill myself with despair. I had to keep positive, because I will help Bella get better, even if I have to die to help her.


	4. Chapter 4: Jasper's Warning

It was daybreak. The sun's rays slowly inched upward into the sky, only to be covered in a thick mass of clouds.

I knew it was almost time to go; the doctors and nurses were about to arrive at the hospital soon. I had to keep these visits inconspicuous; otherwise they might ban me from visiting.

Bella was still sleeping. Her body never moved in my arms. It suddenly struck me odd that her body was icy and colder than normal. I slowly slid her off my arms, making sure that I wouldn't wake her, and covered her with a blanket.

Then I gave her I slight kiss on the cheek, and left with Alice, just as Mrs. Vorbeck came in to check on the patients.

While running, I was suddenly extremely weary. Then I felt a pain in my chest. I clutched at it, realizing that it was my heart. My heart was weeping for Bella, and my Bella was weeping for me. It was funny how things would ironically work out like that.

But it wasn't funny; my Bella was sick, very sick. And it was all because of me. The worse thing of all is, everyone seemed to have given up on her. I felt a spark of anger as I remembered Mrs. Vorbeck's hesitant expression when I asked her if Bella would get better.

_Edward, stop blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault…entirely._

Alice was looking at me with sympathy. I felt a spasm of pain when I heard the last word of her statement.

The word echoed in my head. _Entirely…entirely…entirely…_

She was right. It was my fault, and also not my fault. Not that it helped the situation any more.

We were nearing the house now. I saw Carlisle on the porch, scanning the area nervously. I felt a tinge of guilt for worrying Carlisle like that, but it didn't stay against my guilt.

"Edward, Alice!" Carlisle's face relaxed with relief.

"We're sorry for worrying you, Carlisle." Alice said.

I looked down at my hands. I felt Carlisle's perceptive eyes search my face.

"Edward, what happened?"

My eyes slowly rose upward and rested upon Carlisle's face.

"Carlisle, did you know about…Bella?" My heart lurched painfully in my chest and I clutched it tighter.

Carlisle's face suddenly filled with grief and sympathy. He slowly walked to my side and put his hands on my shoulders.

"If anyone can get through her it'll be you, my son. I believe in you, Edward."

I felt a sudden fury. Why was everyone looking at me like that? Why was everyone depending on me to help Bella? What if I couldn't do it? What if Bella was doomed?

Then I felt even guiltier for thinking those thoughts. How can I possibly think thoughts like that? How will Bella ever get better if the one person who believes she can get better starts to have doubts?

Alice smiled at Carlisle, oblivious to my tension.

"Of course Edward can do it. We believe in him." Then she flashed a brilliant smile in my direction.

I didn't return it. This was no time to smile.

"We're just going to visit Bella again, do you mind if we bring Jasper?" I knew my voice sounded cold and hard.

Carlisle nodded and Alice whizzed inside to get Jasper. I felt Carlisle's eyes on my face again, but I didn't look into his eyes.

"You knew." It wasn't a question, but a statement. My voice sounded flat.

Carlisle sighed. "Edward, I'm sorry, but I just found out also. Dr. Gerandy told me when we were discussing about the patients."

_He said there wasn't much hope for her._

The hole in my heart ripped open, but nothing leaked out. It was just pure pain. I gripped my chest, my face twisted into an expression of pain.

Carlisle looked concerned. "Edward! What happened?"

I struggled to keep my expression under control, but I knew I didn't fool Carlisle.

"There's no hope, huh?" My voice wavered from the pain that was cutting into my heart.

Carlisle's eyes widened. "No Edward, that's just what he said, but he could be wrong. You know that you're the only person who can get through Bella…Edward?"

I could tell he was confused at my expression, which was transforming into one of fury. Why was everyone giving up on Bella?

Just then Alice and Jasper came out of the house. Jasper's face looked calm, but I saw the internal struggle he was going through.

_The hospital, the scent of blood will be stronger. Will I be able to handle it?_

Alice smiled at Jasper reassuringly. Just then the turmoil stopped. I knew that Jasper would do anything for Alice.

_Well, shall we?_ Alice thought out to me. My face was stony cold and still blazing with fury, but I nodded.

Then we ran, literally disappearing from sight to the naked eye, and headed toward the hospital.

I was anxious to leave Bella for any amount of time, so ran faster than the others. I saw Alice and Carlisle look at me with worry, but I ignored their expressions. Their concern was unnecessary, it was not I who needed their worry but Bella.

At last the trees cleared and the hospital was visible. We slowed down to a walk, and entered through the doors. I felt Jasper tense next to me.

Alice placed a reassuring hand on Jasper's shoulder, but Jasper still tensed. I saw the thirst in his eyes; maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

We passed several nurses who all gawked at us. Jasper was still salivating; he could almost taste the blood. I knew that he could lose control any minute now.

I gently nudged Jasper out of his reverie, his head snapped up, temporarily losing some of his bloodlust.

His head bowed down again in shame. "Sorry." He murmured.

Alice tightened her grip on Jasper's hand just in case.

We were near Bella's room again; my walk was quickly lost in a run. I wanted to be by Bella's side again, to stroke her cheek and protect her from the abyss of her sickness, even though I couldn't do that.

I entered the room first, and was quickly followed by Alice. Jasper hesitated, then slowly stepped into the room. Suddenly he collapsed.

Alice was panicking, "Jasper! Jasper! What's the matter?! What's wrong?!"

Jasper clutched his head and he moaned in pain, but he didn't say anything.

I stared at Jasper in fear; what could possibly be happening?

_The pain! The pain is cutting into my skin!_

My eyes widened in shock. What pain? What pain is Jasper talking about?

Alice's face was fearful. "Jasper! Jasper! Please tell me what's wrong! Jasper!"

Jasper slowly stopped clutching his head, and his face inched into a calm face, but the pain was still in his eyes. Then he slowly stood up and looked me in the eyes.

"There's no hope Edward, I'm sorry." He said.

I didn't grasp what he meant, until his eyes traveled to Bella's still figure. My eyes narrowed in anger.

"What are you saying?" I said through clenched teeth, even though I already knew. I felt my temper getting the better of me, why was everyone giving up on Bella so fast?

Jasper replied in his calm voice, "I'm saying there's no hope for Bella, Edward. Give up, or you will be hurt even more. I'm sorry."

Alice looked at Jasper with worry. "Jasper, why would you think that? You didn't even see Bella yet!"

Jasper spoke to Alice, but kept his eyes on me. "The reason I was kneeling over in pain before was because I was feeling what Bella is feeling now. Her emotions are completely out of control, and in thus her illness will never go away. There is no hope that she will ever stop the pain she is feeling when she believes that you truly have left her, so there is no hope that she will ever get better."

That was it; my fury grew into a boiling point. I lunged at Jasper. How dare he say that? How dare everyone say that?

In a spilt second Alice came between the two of us, her eyes were wide and furious.

"Edward, stop it! You know that Jasper means no harm!"

I halted to a stop in front of Alice, my eyes still blazing with anger. Jasper merely stood there, and immediately the atmosphere grew calm.

I struggled against the lethargic fog that was settling in my mind. I didn't want to calm down. I wanted to rip out Jasper's throat for saying that; I wanted to rip out the throat of the next person who gives up on Bella. Why was everyone treating her like a hopeless cause?

Jasper looked at me with one last sympathetic look, then he swiftly walked out the door. I didn't relax my tensed stance, and my fury was still boiling on the surface.

Alice shot me a despaired look, then ran off to follow Jasper, leaving me alone.

At once my anger disappeared and was replaced with doubts. What if Jasper was right? What if there is no hope for Bella? I turned my head in the direction of Bella's bed; she was staring out the window again, as if nothing had happened. The other patient was gone.

I slowly walked over to Bella's side, and put my hand over hers. I looked into her eyes; they were dead and flat again, but then I saw something else. I saw the pain that was buried deep in her dull brown eyes.

I closed me eyes, and opened them again. The pain was still in her eyes, and it was more prominent.

Then I followed her gaze and looked out the window at the exact spot where she was looking, searching.

While we looked one alike as we looked out the window, we were searching for different things. Bella was searching for me, while I was searching for hope.

Hope that Bella would get better, hope that Jasper was wrong, but his words still echoed in my mind.

_There is no hope that she will ever stop the pain she is feeling when she believes that you truly have left her, so there is no hope that she will ever get better. No hope…no hope…_


	5. Chapter 5: Healing

Time passes, although slowly for me, it passes, like the flow of syrup, in uneven amounts.

It wasn't as hard because Bella was always at my side, but it was also harder in a way because it wasn't Bella at my side. The person beside was a hard statue that wouldn't do anything except stare out the window.

Everyday I would be by her side, then when visiting hours were over I would get kicked out by Mrs. Vorbeck and come back again by nightfall. Most of the time Alice came with me too, and we would fill the silence with more silence.

Jasper never came to visit Bella again, part of it was because I wouldn't allow him to, the other was because he didn't want to, which suited me enough. However, everyone else visited, even Rosalie. Even she felt pity for her, but she also felt that Bella would never be back, just like the rest of them.

Only Alice and Carlisle seemed optimistic, to a degree. They believed that Bella would get better, but she will never be the same. I was the only one who believed that Bella would get better, and she will be herself again, but I was fighting a one man battle. Even Bella seemed to be defying me, and my hope.

Nothing was working, absolutely nothing. I tried to jog her memory by showing her the things that made her up. I recited scenes from _Romeo and Juliet;_ I read out _Wuthering Heights_ to her, I even described how she loved the color brown.I talked to her day and night about all the times we spent together. Nothing. She wouldn't even look at me unless I forced her face to turn to me. All she wanted was to look out the window.

And every night Bella still cried. Every night I had to see her cry over me. Every night each tear dug into my heart, and every night, no matter how much I pleaded to her that I was there with her, she never turned, and she never stopped.

My hope was dwindling, it really was… I was starting to believe that Bella was really a hopeless cause. Then something happened to give me hope.

It was another ordinary day, Bella was still staring out the window, and I was stroking her hair. My eyes were closed; I was trying to think of another way to possibly jog Bella's memory, but nothing was coming up, nothing.

My senses suddenly tingled when I felt a fraction of movement. I jerked my head toward the door, and there was Mrs. Vorbeck.

She looked sympathetic again, and I knew what she was thinking. She was thinking that I was wasting my time. She tentatively crossed over to Bella's bed and slowly sat down, her eyes were uncomfortable.

Her eyes rested on Bella's motionless head, and then her eyes widened in surprise.

_It can't be…_

I stared at Bella eagerly, but I didn't see any difference. My mind was going in circles. What did Mrs. Vorbeck possibly see that made her surprised?

Mrs. Vorbeck's astonished eyes rested upon my confused face.

"I was wrong to doubt you, Edward…" She trailed off, her eyes still astonished for some reason.

I felt a tiny surge of frustration. What was she talking about?

She noticed my confused expression, and smiled.

"Miss Swan is really important to you, isn't she?" She asked.

I nodded. Of course she was, she was my Bella.

"I could tell. The way you stay at her side, it's really helping her improve."

That small surge of frustration increased a little. What was she talking about?

_Look at her! She's really improving! It's really amazing!_ Her thoughts made no sense.

I looked at Bella again, staring at her with concentration, and then I saw it.

Bella wasn't looking at the window… For the first time in months, her eyes were off the window voluntarily. Instead her eyes were on _me_.

And what's even more surprising, her eyes weren't flat and lifeless; they showed a hint of curiosity.

My hope was replaced instantly, and I laughed aloud. I picked her up and twirled her around. I was happier than I was in ages! I was only dimly aware of Mrs. Vorbeck stuttering behind me, begging me to stop.

I looked into Bella's eyes. They looked amused, that sent me into even higher spirits! I was joyous! I felt like I could do anything!

Then I slowly, gently placed Bella back on the bed. My heart felt as if it was never broken. I couldn't wait to tell everyone the news! My Bella showed signs of healing!

_Mr. Cullen seems to be in high spirits._

I spun around to face Mrs. Vorbeck, then smiled, blinding her temporarily.

"Thank you, Mrs. Vorbeck."

Then I ran out of the room. I didn't care if she didn't understand my thank you. If it wasn't for her, then I would've never realized that Bella was healing. I felt as light as air, and as happy as a clam.

Because hope was in the air, and in my heart.


	6. Chapter 6: Forgiveness

After that day, Bella slowly, but surely, improved. She was betting better, even when almost everyone around her though she was a goner.

Her face was no longer an immobile mask, and her eyes were no longer dead. She would start to experience emotions, but she wouldn't speak.

She still stared out the window a lot, but not as much as before. And at night she would still cry, and that was what troubled me. Even though she was slowly getting better, she didn't remember anything, and she still wasn't aware of her surroundings; she still wasn't aware that I had come back, and that I was at her side.

But she was progressing much, much faster, than everyone had expected. When Dr. Gerandy came in to check on her, he almost collapsed with shock. He thought she was a hopeless cause, just like everyone else, but she was proving them wrong.

Each day she surprised me with more improvement, and each day the smile on my face grew wider. I think she's even starting to recognize me, not as Edward, but maybe as… a person who cares? When I walk into the room, it seems like she memorized the silence in which my feet move. She would look up, and a tiny smile would appear on her face. The smile was nothing compared to the former smile of hers, but nevertheless, it was a smile.

I still talked to her, and I read to her too. I read her _Romeo and Juliet_ at least five times, and of course she always seemed to want me to read _Wuthering Heights_. She seemed to get something out of the book, somehow. I never did know why, even when she was sane.

Time started to pass quickly and evenly. It was almost another year, and Bella was turning twenty-three. Of course Alice wanted to have some fun, and I let her. After all, it is Bella's birthday.

We planned a surprise party; Alice begged so much that we finally gave in. It was going to be a private party, since we didn't think it was a good idea to let the other seniors see that we haven't aged at all. Alice worked very hard on the party, and after a week, the Cullen house looked grand. Alice had truly out done herself this time. Everything looked perfect and excitement was in the air, but I was feeling a bit apprehensive about this for some reason. I wasn't sure why, but I felt that something was going to happen that wasn't good.

I decided that it was because Bella might be frightened by the actually surprise. She's still very sensitive to loud noises, and I didn't want her to lose any of the improvement she already made. So even though I knew that Alice would be furious, I had to warn Bella about the surprise party. After all, even when she was sane she didn't like parties.

That night I quietly slipped into her room after visiting hours like I always did. Bella's eyes were on the window again, but they didn't look as dead and flat as they did a few months ago. I walked silently to her side, careful to not startle her from her reverie. Then I carefully sat on the bed; the bed creaked, but Bella didn't turn around.

"Bella?" I was hesitant, I could almost imagine Alice's fury.

She turned her head to the sound of my voice and smiled that same small smile.

I quickly looked around, checking that Alice wasn't there. Then I took a deep breath.

"Look, Bella, there's going to be a surprise birthday party for you tomorrow." I quickly blurted out. Then I quickly looked around again. Relief filled me; Alice wasn't there, so Alice wouldn't kill me.

Bella simply looked at me with a confused expression and nodded. I wasn't even sure if she understood what I said, but I did notice that her expression looked a little troubled.

I sighed, and stroked her cheek. I still refrained from kissing her; I didn't want to scare her. Staying with Bella is enough. I felt almost whole again, but there was a tiny hole that was still in my heart. I knew that as soon Bella healed the hole will disappear.

I gently turned Bella to face me. Her eyes were on the window, and I saw the tiny jewels that leaked from her eyes. Again, the pain pulsed through my body. I didn't want to see Bella so hurt, I wanted to Bella to be happy.

"Bella." Her tear stained eyes rested upon my face.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry for leaving you, I'm sorry for putting you through all of this hell. I'm sorry that you're hurting. I'm so sorry Bella." My voice cracked at the end, but I knew that Bella heard, even though she may not understand.

Bella's eyes widened, and she nodded. She reached for me, her hand trembling, and caressed my cheek. She was comforting me, forgiving me. She was forgiving the unforgivable. She was letting me have forgiveness even though I didn't deserve it, and most of all, she was forgiving me when it was I who was causing her so much pain.

It really hurt; Bella didn't even know what she was doing. She wasn't sane enough to really grasp that it was I who left her, I who made her this way. I would've liked it better if she yelled at me. It would've made me feel much better if she called me names, because I knew that I deserved them. I didn't deserve this.

I pulled her into a hug; the tears that stained her face were coming down faster. Her head rested on my shoulder, and the tears soaked into my shirt.

We stayed like that the whole night, but nothing had changed. Nothing. Bella was still hurting, she was not back yet, and now I was slipping into the abyss of darkness.


	7. Chapter 7: Surprise

It was September 13th, Bella's birthday. Somehow this date had been the source of my gloom. I felt that something was going to happen today, something that wasn't very good.

I was very…unsettled today. Yesterday took a lot out of me for some reason, but overall I was glad to feel some reason for happiness, even if the happy event had a dark cloud of gloom over it.

Alice had phoned ahead and told me to bring Bella to the house around noon. Everyone was very excited, except for me. Something was going to go wrong today, but what?

I pondered this, but I couldn't think of anything bad that might happen. Alice didn't plan any flashing lights that might blind her. Everyone had taken extra precautions (especially Jasper) by hunting more than usual to stop any little accidents.

I sighed. I was probably overreacting, like I always did. It was Bella's birthday! She needed a little break from the hospital. For five years the only setting she had was the hospital.

Mrs. Vorbeck was a bit hesitant when I asked her if I was allowed to borrow Bella for a day. I could tell she still didn't entirely trust me with her, but in the end she was swayed. I've never met anyone so stubborn before, well, except for Bella, when she was sane.

We slowly walked to my silver Volvo; Bella's legs were very wobbly from misuse. Finally I just picked her up and carried her to the car. I felt Bella trembling in my arms. She looked paler than usual too. I wonder if she really did understand everything I told her.

"It's going to be okay, Bella." I whispered, bending over to inhale her lovely scent. Her lips curled slightly on the edges, as if she was attempting to smile, but her eyes still looked worried.

We drove in silence. I drove slower than usual because I didn't want to startle Bella. I had a really bad feeling about today, and it was getting me anxious. I slowly turned to Bella in the back seat; she was shaking. I placed a reassuring hand on her lap. Her fearful eyes grew wider as she looked at my face.

Then we were there. The Cullen house looked very quiet and almost eerie today, even though behind those doors were a bunch of very hyper vampires. Again, I felt that same burst of foreboding.

I slowly led Bella out of the car; her face was now one of terror. I deeply regretted submitting her through this torture.

Then we approached the door. I hesitated when I turned the doorknob, analyzing Bella's expression. Then slowly inch by inch, I opened the door then…

"SURPRISE!" It was the defying canopy of noise that I was dreading. My eyes quickly snapped to Bella's face; her expression was one of confusion and complete horror.

The lights came back on, and there stood all of the Cullens. They were all grinning very widely. I looked back at Bella, she didn't seem very well. This was a bad idea.

Alice was at the door. "Edward, Bella! Come on in!"

Then I took a deep breath, and entered through the door. But just as I took that step, I felt Bella's hand go limp in my hands. I heard the shrieks of shock that came from everyone, and then I saw Bella falling.

**----&----**

I felt terrible, horrible. I couldn't believe that I was so careless. I should've known that it was too much for Bella to handle. I should've!

And I did. I've been having bad feelings about today for a long time, why didn't I listen to my instincts? Was it because I simply believed that nothing could possibly happen or was it because I wished that nothing would happen?

Bella was still unresponsive. She reminded me of the first time I saw, except this time her eyes were closed. My fear was exponentially increasing every second Bella wasn't awakening.

I have ignored the signs, now I will have to face the consequences. If Bella loses all progress when she wakes up, then it will be completely my fault. I accepted the blame, even though I hoped that that wouldn't happen. I hoped with all of my heart that my Bella wasn't lost again. I hoped that she wouldn't take 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I hoped, but I didn't know for sure.

Each second was agony. Each minute was even more agonizing. The hours passed by too slowly, and each tick of the clock seemed to be slowing.

Bella still didn't wake up. I waited by her side anxiously, my eyes glancing at the clock every few seconds. I knew that soon Mrs. Vorbeck would come and kick me out, and she would see Bella unconscious. Then I will never be able to visit Bella again.

I glanced at the clock again, not good.

Ten minutes left until visiting hours are over, and Bella wasn't showing any sign of waking up. My nerves were getting the better of me, and then a thought occurred to me.

I have never tried to kiss Bella yet. I have always thought that a kiss would damage her, but what if it does the opposite? I was running out of time, and now I was running out of options.

I looked at Bella's still face. In a spilt second my mind was made up. Immediately I felt that desire that I always had when I was around Bella.

I gently bent down toward Bella's face; her lips were getting closer and closer. Her scent was swirling around me, and then I made contact.

I was kissing with a stone statue, then suddenly she was kissing me back. Our mouths pressed against each other. I felt that shiver of wanting I always had when I kissed her. Suddenly her lips were more urgent. She kissed me back with a force that I didn't know she was capable of, and we broke apart.

I didn't want to break apart, and I was about to lean in again when I caught her expression. It was a mixture of guilt, shame, happiness, love, and horror. I didn't understand it at all. Her eyes looked at me with shame, and then she looked out the window, the tears slid down her cheeks.

Her expression confused me. I reached my arm toward her face and gently wiped the tears off. Her tearful eyes looked at my hand, then she looked out the window again, the tears streaming out faster than ever.

Just then the door opened and in stepped Mrs. Vorbeck.

"You know the drill, Mr. Cullen." She nodded sternly and gestured toward the door. I kissed Bella on the hair, then walked out of the room.

The memory of our first kiss in five years was still in my mind, but the kiss was too urgent and too forceful. It was like Bella was kissing me goodbye.

Immediately I shook that idea out of my head. It was ridiculous. Bella isn't going to die; she was fine.

_Bella is fine…Bella is fine…Bella is fine…_ I repeated in my head.

Then I felt that same chill of dread; that same shiver of terror, as I walked down the hall.


	8. Author's Note

**Author's Note**

Hi everyone! I would really like to thank everyone for their reviews! You have no idea how much I appreciate them! They really inspire me to write more. (P.S. I'm sorry for all the people who are on story alert. You expect a new chapter and instead you get a dumb author's note thing, sorry!)

Anyway, I'm here to say that I will be editing some things because I didn't really think through everything...Yeah. I forgot some of the finer details (like how the Cullens don't age. Thank you BiteMeEdward7 for pointing that out). I'm very forgetful. And I won't update as much because school is starting and everything.

Also, I have been receiving some questions and things about the plot and stuff in reviews and emails, so I will answer them here:

**Q. Where's Charlie?**

Uh...this will be answered in the Epilogue, which will be from Bella's point of view.

**Q. Why doesn't Edward climb through the window?**

Well, he still does, but he has to do it after visiting hours. I just don't write that he actually climbs through it. I will make that clearer though as soon as I edit everything.

**Q. Why does Edward leave when Bella's healing?**

Well, he doesn't actually leave, he's just so excited that he wanted to tell Carlisle and everyone else. He does come back, of course.

**Q. Will Bella ever get better?**

Perhaps...or perhaps not. Read on to find out!!!

**Q. Why are there so many typos and grammar problems?**

Sigh...live with it. Sorry if it's too incomprehensible, but I'm not going to read over the whole story 10 times just to correct grammar and typos. I don't have _that_ much time!

**Q. Why is this story so depressing?**

Shrugs Well, if everything was happy go lucky then there would've be a story would there? Besides, mental illness isn't a happy thing. But I have to admit, I would rather do a happy go lucky story. I don't like submitting Bella or Edward through pain…But it will get better!

**Q. Where's Jacob?**

Uh…didn't you read the summary? Jacob was never there for her, so that means Bella never went down to La Push. He's somewhere in the woods with his wolf pack, doing duty and whatever. He did visit once, but then Sam told him that it was too dangerous so he stopped. He may make an appearance somewhere in the story though…hint hint

Anyway, like I said, thanks to everyone who read and reviewed! I will be continuing with the story, and I hope you will all enjoy it! Happy reading!


	9. Chapter 8: Shock

**You guys are going to hate me for writing this. Sorry, but this is how things have to be. I did cry when I wrote this chapter. Hopefully things get better!**

* * *

For a minute I was numb. I had no nervous system, I was a cold statue. Then finally my mind screamed the magic words. _Bella is in trouble!!!_

I raced down the hallway forgetting that I was in a hospital with humans. My speed increasing as my nerves nearly exploded with worry.

I couldn't lose Bella again. My heart bled again when I thought that I was too late to save her. No, that won't happen. It won't, because I won't be too late.

Then I was in the room. My eyes widened in surprise and I forgot to breath.

Bella was fine. She was still staring out the window, her tears still pouring out of her eyes.

"Mr. Cullen! W-what?" Mrs. Vorbeck spluttered out with shock.

"How did you get in here? What are you-?"

I didn't listen to her, instead I went to Bella. Her face didn't turn from the window.

"Bella, are you alright?" My voice was low and urgent.

She just looked at me, then looked at the window. I breathed in a sigh of relief. Then I felt utter embarrassment.

Bella was fine, and I charged in here like a lunatic. I could've blown our cover right then by running so fast. I felt like an utter fool.

I turned back to Mrs. Vorbeck; she was glaring at me with suspicion.

"I'm terribly sorry. I was just worried about Bella." I tried to sound sincere, but I was still shaken.

Mrs. Vorbeck simply motioned her hand to the door, gesturing for me to leave. I took on last glance at Bella, and then walked out the door once more.

**----&----**

I couldn't believe I could be so careless. I could've blown everything! I could've exposed us for what we are!

As I walked down the hall once again I felt so ridiculous. It was so stupid of me to overreact like this! Bella was fine, and I got chills for absolutely no reason. I have to be more careful next time.

I was outside now. The cold air of the night brought me out of my reverie. Then I felt a sudden dread; what if someone did see me? What if a hospital staff saw me running as a blur? What if I really did ruin everything from my stupid mistake? I scanned the minds of everyone in a one mile radius, and I was flooded with thoughts.

…_did Mr. Cullen come in here so…recovery seems fast…wonder if one of those Cullens would…this movie is very…let's take a…surgery seems successful…_

I was flooded with thoughts. It was an intrusion in my mind and immediately I blocked it all out. I felt relief all over. No one had seen me, Bella was fine. There was nothing to worry about.

So why did I feel apprehensive? Why did I feel that something else was going to happen today?

I was worried for Bella's safety, even though I have no idea why.

I hid behind a couple of dark trees; the shadows cloaked me from sight. Then I waited for the hospital in front of me to go to sleep.

My breath was visible as I took deep breaths to calm myself. It was an unnaturally chilly night for September, and that didn't help. Then my eyes rested upon a small cat that was cautiously striding past my legs. It was a black cat.

Normally I was not very superstitious, but today I wasn't so sure anymore. The signs were there; the unnatural coldness, the black cat, the chills…Bella fainting.

Was there really something that was going to happen to Bella? Something bad? Or was it just me overreacting again? I couldn't blow our cover, but I couldn't put Bella in danger either.

I was at an impasse, but the impasse was broken as soon as Bella's light in her room went off. My mind was made up; I was not going to lose her again.

I scanned the area to make sure that no humans were near by. Damn… Dr. Snow was chatting with a nurse. They slowly walked out of the hospital to their cars. I clenched my hands into fists and bit back my irritation. Minutes passed, and they were still walking. My worry picked at my patience; its threads slowly unraveling with each passing second. I felt like I was going to burst out of my skin.

They were still talking, even though they were at their cars now. I looked at the window and back to the two humans. Should I take a chance? Should I go when they are able to see me?

At last they got into their cars and drove away. I breathed in a sigh of relief, but I was still worried. It has been fifteen minutes since the light went off in Bella's room. Was I too late?

I silently raced over to the wall, and easily climbed up the wall. My mind was urging me to go faster, and in an impatient haste my hand slipped.

I was dangling precariously off the ledge of the windowsill. For a moment my mind was completely blank, and then I swung my body and quickly gripped the windowsill with my other hand.

With my right hand firmly gripped the windowsill, I used my left hand to lift up the window. Then I silently entered the dark room. That's when a scent hit me.

The smell of fresh blood entered my mind and clouded it, leaving me unguarded for a second. My instincts located the source of the smell, and I turned in that direction. I smiled in anticipation of the blood that I was about to drink.

I wasn't sure whose blood it was, but it was so sweet and…familiar. I could practically taste it in my mouth. The flow of excess venom was increasing in my mouth.

I was aware of a rational part of my mind that was begging me to stop the madness, but the other part, the part that I have been keeping in check, had burst from its cell and taken over. I was going to drink the blood of this human, no matter what.

I stepped closer; each step was slow from the internal struggle. Then I took another step, each time I slowly reached my destination. Then I saw her…

My breath came out in a gasp from the complete horror and shock that I felt. It was Bella, my Bella, all crumpled and bleeding on the floor, with a knife in her hand.

My mind immediately flitted to the memory in Phoenix, when James nearly killed her. This was exactly what she looked like now, except worse. The blood flowing out of her was forming a small pond. I gazed at the blood hungrily.

There were long gashes on her arms that reached from the top part of her arm to her fingers. There was also a huge bruise forming on her head. The blood gushing out of the wounds was sweet and alluring. The monster in me screamed at me to strike when no one was there. I took a step closer, the blood was calling me.

_La Tua Cantante…_

The internal struggle was getting more violent as each side of my mind was arguing. The beast was urging me to go in for the kill; one slip won't do anything, one tiny slip. The rational part of me was screaming in defiance. This is your love! Your true love! You can't kill her!

I took one more step; I was getting closer to Bella and getting closer to completely losing it. Then my senses tingled.

There was no breath coming from where Bella was. There was no reassuring sound of a breath. My mind went into shock, and that's when the battle was over.

I ran to Bella, my thirst still strong but my love was stronger. I checked for a pulse. I felt a faint _thud thud_ of her slowly stopping heart. My terror engulfed me, and that's when I realized with complete horror.

My Bella was dying.


	10. Chapter 9: Help

**Heh heh, I did get a bunch of death threats on the last chapter, but I guess I deserved it. I will post up 2 chapters today so you people will see what happens when the storm has almost passed.**

* * *

Bella was losing too much blood, and now she was going into shock. Her skin was turning a bluish color as her heart desperately tried to pump blood. For a moment her heart rate accelerated a little, then it stopped bleeding completely.

"Bella, no…no…Please Bella! You can't die!" I cried, desperately trying to revive her heart. All of those years in medical school never prepared me for this.

I tried CPR. I thumped her chest five times as hard as I can, but there was no pulse.

I was going into panic mode. Nothing was working, and each second was crucial.

It was too late to change her now. She lost too much blood and her heart has stopped. The venom won't be able to circulate through her body. She would die before the venom even enters her body.

There were no options now except for one. I had to go see Carlisle.

I quickly but carefully scooped Bella into my arms, then I ran out of the room as fast as I can without attracting any attention. I ran down the hall and went into Carlisle's office. I felt Bella's body slowly lose her warmth.

There was his office; the door at the end of the hall. I raced down the narrow passageway running as fast as I can. There was no point in worrying about blowing our cover when Bella was dying. There was no point in life if Bella was gone.

"Carlisle!" I burst through the door, startling Carlisle as he jumped in his chair.

"Edward…what-?" Then his eyes fell on Bella, and they widened. He nodded quickly then motioned for me to follow him. We quietly raced down the hallway as a blur. The hallway was deserted; there was no one there to see us run.

_Edward, you take Bella into the emergency room and tell the doctors there to get ready. I'll find the others and we'll start immediately._

I nodded, then we arrived at the fork in which the hallway spilt into three different directions. I went left and Carlisle went right.

I looked down at my Bella, and terror gripped me. Bella's skin was now turning clammy and sickly looking and I could see the blue veins that once had blood in them. I accelerated to my maximum speed and pushed the doors into the ER.

"Please save my Bella!" I cried to the nearest doctor. He took one look at Bella and immediately started to set up. Just then Carlisle arrived with a team of experts. He silently took Bella from my arms and set her down at the table. I watched apprehensively as every doctor and nurse set up for their task.

I walked over to the table and held Bella's icy hand. _Please don't die Bella. Please… I beg you God, please save my Bella. I will do anything if you save her…Please don't die._

Each tick of the clock was a little chip off of Bella's survival. My mind was in a state of absolute panic. Bella cannot die, Bella cannot die.

Then the team gathered around Bella, they were at last ready to begin. I felt someone's hands on my shoulders. I pushed them away and held onto Bella's lifeless hands.

"Please, sir. You cannot stay here." It was a nurse trying desperately to get me out of the room.

I growled at her. I was not going to leave my Bella when she was about to die. I was not going to lose her. I won't!

_Edward, you need to leave now, otherwise we won't be able to start and it may be too late._

Carlisle's anxious eyes were on me, begging me to cooperate. I gave Bella one more good look and quickly kissed her on her cold mouth, then I parted through the doors.

My whole body was shaking with grief. I felt like I could cry a whole river, because that just might have been the last kiss I had ever shared with Bella.

My heart was ripped in two, and now my body felt like it was shredded into pieces. My Bella was laying there, all crumpled and broken. And now she may be gone, forever.

If only I didn't delay it. If only I had acted earlier. Screw keeping our true identities a secret. My Bella could be _dead_, and it was all because of me.

Because I wasn't fast enough. I let my thirst control me for too long. Bella…Bella…Bella! I'm sorry!

My body was getting stabbed by arrows. My hands were clenched in fists, and the trembling got worse.

I sobbed and sobbed. I wanted tears to come, I wanted to grieve over my Bella, but this accursed life won't even let me do that! This accursed life has destroyed Bella from the start, and now it was doing its last job. I realized that now. I had committed to many murders and horrible things, so in return for my punishment I was to lose the thing that I loved the most. My horrible cursed life has destroyed the love of my existence, and it was completely and utterly my fault.

And now I would have to wait as Carlisle and his team tried to stop the inevitable from happening. Death was approaching swiftly and quickly. It was going to do its job fast and with skill, putting Bella out of her misery. Bella would no longer have to suffer because of me.

Maybe it is for the best, maybe death is the only way that Bella will finally be able to move on and be happy. I smiled at the thought. Bella would be happy, at last.

And I waited, as Bella's last moments of life slipped away.


	11. Chapter 10: Waiting

It was strange, but when I accepted the fact that Bella was really going to be happier when she was…gone, I felt less anxious. She will never suffer again because of me. She will no longer cry because of the pain that I gave her. She will be happy and she will move on in heaven, while I stay on Earth forever and perhaps eventually go down to Hell and burn.

This made time passable, knowing that Bella was finally going to be happy, knowing that at last Bella was free from me. It made me feel better for Bella's sake, but it didn't help my guilt or self loathing.

That time in the dark, I almost killed Bella because her blood spilled. I almost drank it, and I almost damned her. I hated myself for that, I hated that I could've possibly imagined hurting her.

But even though my body was full of guilt and loathing, there were other emotions too. There was pain. The pain that came with Bella's happiness bit into my rock hard flesh. I was going to miss her greatly; I never did see her get better. I never did get her back completely, and I was repentant for that. I was repentant that I couldn't completely help her heal. Her last days on earth were full of such pain. If only I did something more. If only…

And there was also hope. A small glimmer of hope resided in me. I hoped that I wasn't too late, and Bella could still be saved. I hoped that Bella was saved and would make a full recovery, internal and external. I hoped that she would be okay. I was a selfish creature. I wanted Bella to stay with me even though I knew that she would be happier dead. I was so selfish. I put my wants before her happiness…

But I couldn't help it. The hope in me was a tiny flame. It burned with intensity but it wouldn't grow larger or dim. It stayed in me and helped me stay sane. I was sure that if Carlisle came out the door and told me that Bella was gone, I would still go mad. Life without Bella was unbearable, especially if I had to live with this guilt as being the person who almost killed her.

But I would survive. I would survive knowing that Bella was happy. I would survive even though I would go insane, because Bella will always be the most important person in my existence.

_Till death do us part…_

I waited. The clock ticked and the seconds passed. The seconds passed into minutes, and the minutes into hours. I started to get worried. What if something went wrong? What if Bella didn't die, but she was damaged beyond any repair? What if she was to live life as a soulless shell forever? I wouldn't want Bella to live a half life because I was too late.

My anxiousness grew and increased. My foot was fidgeting as I stared with intensity at the doors. Once in a while I heard talking and movement of feet, but it was too low for me to make out the words.

I tried to use my power, and I heard nothing. I knew that it wouldn't. There was no way it would work when I was so worried and anxious. I would just have to handle it the regular way, the human way, with complete surprise and shock. There were no cheats and no short cuts, and I knew it was a fifty fifty chance.

I was barely aware of my family sitting right next to me. They had come in hours ago and they each had circled me and gave me a hug. Even the shallow Rosalie had something in her to try and comfort me.

I knew that Alice wouldn't try and have a vision. I knew that she was afraid that the outcome would be Bella's death. I saw her slip into a vacant expression only to struggle out of it seconds later. She was afraid of what she might see. I didn't blame her. I didn't want to see it either, just in case Bella does live, only to suffer and bear pain for the rest of her life.

Alice was hugging me while Jasper was trying to do all he can. I knew that the blood over my body was distracting him. I could see it in his eyes. It triggered his thirst, but he kept it under control.

We all sat in silence, all of us. All for different reasons and none were the same as mine. I didn't need to use my power to know this. I could see it in their faces.

Each one had their reasons to want Bella to live, and to not. I understood them all, and I made no judgment. It was out of mine and their hands, and in the hands of death.

And then the door opened, and out came out an extremely tired Carlisle. He smiled at all of us, but the smile was too strained and tight.

"She lives…" He whispered in the quietest of all whispers. My eyes pricked up and my mouth stretched into a grin.

Alice shouted in delight and kissed Jasper. Emmett and Rosalie embraced with relief on their faces. Esme came over to my side and gave me a great big hug and then went to Carlisle's side.

My heart immediately stopped bleeding and the hole was gone. My body was no longer getting stabbed by knives, but was cradled in a soft fluffy cloud. I imagined Bella's smiling face once more and rejoiced.

I gave out a yell of happiness and hugged Carlisle. Death had spared my Bella. Death gave Bella another chance.

I felt free, I felt happy for the first time today. Everything is going to be okay!

But underneath my happiness was guilt. I felt guilty that I was happy. I felt guilty that Bella was cheated out of her chance at real happiness. I was so selfish, but that feeling immediately disappeared; it was covered with joy.

But the happiness didn't last.

At that moment Alice had asked, "Can we see her?"

I felt Carlisle stiffen. I looked questionably at his guarded expression and I felt fear. The storm wasn't over yet. I prepared myself for the worst.

"Yes you can…" Carlisle began. Now I stiffened. There was going to be a "but". I quickly looked into his mind, but he was blocking me!

"But…" Carlisle hesitated as he scanned my expression.

"She's in a coma."


	12. Chapter 11: The Living Dead

Instantly I froze. The pain in my chest was so great that I started to double over. I clutched it in agony; I was wrong to hope. Bella was in a coma! Bella would never be happy if she was in a coma! She should've died!

I gazed desperately at the ceiling, furious that God had to punish Bella when she had done absolutely nothing wrong. Why didn't you let her join you at angel's gates? Why didn't you let her be happy? Why did you instead condemn her to earth, even worse than before?

I heard Alice gasp as she both heard the news and saw me double over. Her hands were on my shoulders as she comforted me.

_Edward, what's the matter? What-?_

"It's all my fault." I interrupted her. That was true. I was too late for her to have a full recovery, yet I was too early for her to truly move on.

They all looked at me questionably. I didn't want to explain to them why I said that. I just wanted to see Bella, and make things right.

"Carlisle…" I hesitated; my voice was wavering from the pain. "May I please see Bella?"

He nodded and led me through the hallway. I was distinctly aware of Alice behind me, but the others stood back.

We passed door after door, and then at last we arrived at a door with the words "ICU" on it. I gulped and closed my eyes, then I braced myself.

The first thing I noticed was Alice's intake of breath. Her thoughts were all scrambled, I couldn't make out anything.

Then I slowly opened my eyes, and I gasped.

Bella never looked so lifeless. She literally looked like a corpse. Her skin was a pale translucent white with a tint of yellow, like she was already decaying. The circles under her eyes were more prominent than ever, and she was covered in bandages. I also noticed that there were a lot of IV tubes that were sticking out of her hands. There was also a huge machine next her that connected with her nose.

I walked over to her side and touched her hand. It was icy cold and clammy. I felt sick to my stomach. I was too late… and now Bella would have to go here on, alone.

I turned to Carlisle. "What happened? I thought she would be…"

Carlisle's eyes looked sympathetically at Bella's form.

"When you brought her into the emergency room, her heart already gave out. She was losing too much blood and she was quickly in shock. Our first priority was to restart her heart, but it won't be that easy.

"She had lost so much blood that even if we somehow did restart her heart it would immediately stop from the lack of blood. We had to somehow give her enough blood transfusions and restart her heart at the same time. Then we had to get her breathing. Which is why the respirator here, helping her breath.

"After everything was done, we noticed that she was not waking up. That's when we diagnosed her. She was in a comatose state."

He sighed; his eyes were full of sadness. My insides felt twisted. Again that sharp piercing pain stabbed my heart. I quickly clenched at the pain, hoping it would dull.

"How… How is she in a coma? You need a severe injury to the head to be in coma. How did she-?"

Then my eyes caught that large dark spot on her head. The spot covered almost one-half of her forehead. Awareness dawned on me, and my voice came out in a ragged gasp.

"She fell off the bed and hit the floor head first."

It was Alice who answered, her eyes transfixed on Bella in horror.

Carlisle nodded. "Yes, the injury was severe enough to damage her brain so much to put her in a coma, but also…"

My eyes traveled questionably on Carlisle's face. He was blocking me again. What was he hiding from me?

"Her lungs gave out a while before her heart gave out. The damage from that also contributed."

I looked into his mind again. He wasn't guarding his thoughts anymore, and now I knew what he was hiding from me.

I stiffened. Again, the odds were against Bella.

Carlisle walked over to my side.

"I'm sorry, Edward." He whispered softly in my ear.

_I need to return to work, I'm sorry…_ Carlisle thought out to me.

Then he walked out the door, leaving me and Alice behind.

Alice walked to my side and sat down on the bed with me. Her right hand reached out to touch Bella's face.

"I saw this, but I saw it too late." She whispered.

"It was spilt decision. I don't know what she was thinking, but she didn't plan this. That's why I didn't see this earlier."

She turned to me. "I'm really sorry, Edward."

I didn't say anything. I didn't need her apology. I knew that it wasn't her fault.

_Bella…what were you thinking?_ I stared at her face. It was strangely blank.

The sight of her like that tore at my heart. I was sure that by now my heart was so badly mutilated by now that it would look like Swiss cheese.

Then I silently kissed her nose and inhaled her scent. It was a strange mix of freesia and ginger. The blood transfusion she got is making her smell all wrong.

I laid beside my love and stared at her face, my heart breaking into a million pieces.

_Her survival chances aren't good. At most they can be fifty- fifty, but right now they are at least thirty. _

I replayed Carlisle's thoughts in my thoughts; he was kind enough to hide it from me so I wouldn't be upset, but I needed to know.

I can't live without Bella, so if she dies, the Volturi would be expecting a visit from me.


	13. Chapter 12: Sleeping

**Okay, this is a short chapter. Sorry but school is starting! **

**To starbook:**

**Bella hit her head and damaged the part of her brain that controls her breathing. And also she was dying, so her lungs stopped working.**

* * *

It was the first time I saw Bella all over again, except this time I didn't know what to expect. There was a huge chance that she would just die while in a coma, and there was also a chance she would survive, but become permanently brain damaged. The odds weren't good. It was a lose-lose situation. Either Bella dies, or Bella will partially heal and never be the same ever again.

I sat by Bella everyday and every night. My eyes never left her still face. If I didn't know better I would've thought she was sleeping, but I knew it was a lot worse.

A coma was like the living dead. You are alive, but just barely.

_Till death do us part…_

Mrs. Vorbeck no longer kicked me out during visiting hours. The reason behind that was pity. She felt sympathy toward me and Bella. She knew now that I loved Bella, so she let me stay all night and day.

I was glad that she decided to do so. There were no windows in the ICU room, so I couldn't sneak in at night. I didn't dare take any chances by going through the main entrance.

The reassuring beeping of the machine was the only thing that kept me from completely falling apart. It meant that Bella's heart was still beating, and she was still alive. By now I didn't know what I wanted. I still knew that Bella would be happier if she was gone, but I knew that more than ever I wanted her to live and come back again. I wanted to have her in my arms and kiss her again. I wanted to see her blush and see that flash of intuition. I hoped, but hope can only get you so far.

But another part of me was telling me that Bella wouldn't have to go through this if I just changed her. If I just bit her and injected the venom into her bloodstream, then all my fantasies would come true. Bella wouldn't die, Bella wouldn't have brain damage, and Bella would be in my arms again.

The temptation was great, but I knew I couldn't do it to her. Before I left Bella was willing, but what if she changed her mind? What if she no longer wanted to be with me? What if I changed her and she hated me for it? I couldn't do it to her if she didn't want to.

I couldn't do it to an innocent soul without a say. I wouldn't do it, but I wanted to so badly.

Alice visited often as well. I knew she supported the decision to change her. When she sat there next to me, her thoughts were all for it. She wanted me to bite her right then and change her.

I resisted Alice's thoughts. I wasn't going to change Bella when she didn't give me consent. But a part of me was wondering.

What if Bella was dying again? Would I be strong enough to do it? Would I possibly be able to damn her?

It was a difficult question. Would I damn her for my selfish thoughts? Would I really do that to her? I didn't know for sure. I sat at Bella's side, pondering this thought, and I never reached a decision.

But I wouldn't have to, at least not yet. Bella was still here with me, for the time being.

Time is what I was afraid of. I never before was afraid of it, but now I feared it because of Bella. Bella's time is ticking, and I hoped that it wasn't running out.

The clock ticked and tocked as the seconds went by. I feared at each passing second was a second earlier of Bella's death. I began to grow paranoid and watched Bella intensely. I was watching for signs, if any.

I could tell my family was getting worried about me. Although they kept their thoughts guarded, sometimes, however, they do slip and I was able to read their mind temporarily. I didn't get it. It was Bella they should be worried about, not me. I wasn't going to die any time soon.

But Bella might, and one day she will. I just hoped that day wasn't soon.


	14. Chapter 13: Visitors

**Okay, I managed to update today. It's a longer chapter than yesterday! Thanks for all your reviews!**

* * *

It's been two weeks, and there has been no change whatsoever. Bella's condition didn't deteriorate, but it didn't get better either.

I didn't know what to expect, so I didn't keep my expectations high. I knew that there was a high chance Bella would die, which is why I already planned my death. The easiest way was to ask the werewolves to kill me; they would be thrilled to slaughter me, but I didn't want my death to be at a mangy dog.

The Volturi would be my escape and my reunion with Bella. I would go to the Volturi when Bella's heart stops beating.

But I hoped that Bella wouldn't die. I hoped that she would make a full recovery. My hope was strong, but there was doubt in it. There was a small part of me that believed that Bella was doomed. As much as I wanted to completely believe that Bella was going to be completely okay, I couldn't. And for that I felt disgusted at myself.

But it is out of my hands, whether or not Bella makes a full recovery. When I thought of that the pain in my chest swelled, making me double over and gasp.

Pain was my now my constant companion. Pain was with me every time I thought of Bella and how sick she was. Pain will always be with me, until Bella and I were finally together again.

News of Bella in coma spread fast through the small town. Many people visited, and I was always careful to just stay out of view when they did. I didn't think it was a good idea to let them see how I haven't aged at all, and I wasn't going to make another mistake again.

Angela Weber came with her husband Ben Cheney. They brought flowers and all sorts of "get well soon" gifts. Angela even cried over Bella in Ben's arms.

That stung my heart. I could not show my grief like that; I could not cry tears. I could not weep over my Bella.

Mike Newton also came with Jessica, Tyler, and Lauren. They also showed their respect and brought gifts. Even Lauren shed a tear.

But then they would leave, shaking their heads sympathetically with tears running down their faces. It was obvious that they thought Bella was a goner. I knew that even without reading their minds.

I felt a surge of anger. No one believed in my Bella. No one believed that she was strong enough when she was in depression, and now no one believed she would overcome this. I didn't understand. How can people be so unreasonable? How can people be so unoptimistic?

Then I felt guilt and shame. I also felt that same hopelessness, those same doubts. It was a small part of me, but nevertheless, I still believed that. My guilt and shame overwhelmed everything else, temporarily.

It was another day, another day of Bella's coma. There was still no change. I sat by Bella's bed once more, my hand over hers. Her steady breathing accompanied by the beeping of the machine was music to my ears.

It meant that Bella was still here with me.

My heart throbbed with pain again. I clutched it once more, the pain gave me icy clarity, and for a moment I was able to focus. And then I smelled it, the scent repulsive to my nose. I wrinkled my nose in disgust, trying not to retch.

It was a werewolf, and not just any werewolf.

This werewolf was in love with Bella.

**----&---- **

The door opened slowly, warily… cautiously. I knew that he realized that his mortal enemy was next to his love. He could smell me a mile away.

He was like a lovesick puppy. His thoughts were all centered around saving Bella from the evil bloodsucker, and then kissing her. I laughed without any feeling. This werewolf didn't know anything.

Finally the dog stepped into the room, his nose was scrunched up. In his hands was a bouquet of roses. His eyes bugged when he saw Bella laying there, unconscious, and me next to her.

"You leech!" He screeched. _What did you do to her? Why is she like this? What the hell! _

The memories flashed through the dog's head, memories of Bella and him on the beach. I saw Bella walking with him on the beach. She looked so happy, and I felt a twinge of discomfort. Was it jealousy?

"You didn't hear?" I replied, coolly. It seemed like he doesn't know that Bella was in a coma. I would've thought that all of Forks including La Push knew about it by now, I guess it was wrong.

_Why didn't Sam tell me? Why didn't Billy tell me? How the hell could they have kept it a secret?_

"They didn't tell you because they didn't want to hurt you. It's obvious, really." I replied back. How dim he was. It was easy to keep secrets, all you needed to do was to not talk about it and the other person would never know, unless that other person was me.

His hands were in fists and he was shaking violently. He was dangerous. My eyes quickly scanned the distance between Bella and the door. If I was quick enough, then I just might be able to get Bella out of here without harming her.

The dog, as if sensing what I was about to do, stepped in front of the door, blocking it completely with his large frame. Damn… If he doesn't keep himself under control then Bella might get hurt.

"Calm down. There is nothing happening here." I tried to sound soothing and calming. I needed to protect Bella.

The dog flinched at the sound of my voice and shook even harder. Then at last the trembling ceased, except for his hands. He took two deep breaths and the trembling ceased completely, however his expression was still tense. I breathed in a sigh of relief. Bella was safe, for now.

He was walking toward Bella now, his free hand outstretched toward Bella's face. I growled and moved quickly.

In a flash I was in front of the dog, protecting Bella from his hand. I saw the surprise and anger in his face.

"What did you do to her?" He whispered the rage apparent in his voice.

_She was depressed the last time I saw her, and now she's in a coma. What the hell? How did the leech do this to her?_

I winced, because I knew that was true. I brought her to Carlisle too late, and now she was in a coma. The dog got that fact right.

He suddenly whipped his head in my direction, his face contorted into one of absolute hatred.

"You leech! You destroyed her!" He paused; his hatred was now lined with rage.

"I'm going to kill you." He finished, his voice louder than usual from his emotions.

I stared at him, unblinking. My face was as cold as ice, but inside I was melting in my guilt. He was right. I did destroy her. I left her, she lost herself. I arrived there too late, she almost died.

"I did nothing to her, you dog." My face was still hard, but my voice wavered. The dog was right… He was right…

He wasn't listening to me. "I knew that we never should've trusted you bloodsuckers! All of you are disgusting revolting parasites! You couldn't resist could you? You had to have a taste of her blood-!"

My temper got the better of me. How dare he insult my family like that? How dare he accuse me of doing something like that to Bella? I interrupted him.

"If you should slow down and think about it for a moment _dog_, then you would realize that there was no way I, or any of my kind would have done this to Bella.

"If I bit her, then why is she not changed yet? Why is she in a coma? Did you ever think about that? There is no way I would _ever_ violate Bella like that. You hear that you repulsive mongrel?"

I was fuming. This werewolf deserved to be killed. I clenched my teeth, they snapped together in an audible sound.

No, I will not kill the werewolf. I will keep myself under control and I will not dishonor Carlisle.

The werewolf froze, stunned at my outburst. His shocked expression was immediately replaced by a sneer.

"Oh yeah, leech? Well then how did Bella get like this, if you didn't do anything to her?"

The stupid delusional wolf still thinks that Bella would wake up and run into his arms. Unbelievable.

I sighed. "You really want to know?"

His eyes narrowed and nodded.

The memories of that night flooded into my mind. The pain began again, but I fought against the urge to show any of it. I was not going to look weak in front of this werewolf.

"It was the night her birthday. When I got to her room, it was too late. She was already dying, the knife in her hands. She tried to commit suicide."

The dog froze at the word. For a moment his breath stopped, then his face resumed that same sneering indifference. He nodded to let me go on.

"She wasn't breathing and her heart was stopping. She was going into shock, and then her heart stopped completely. I tried to revive her, but the CPR wouldn't work. I brought her to Carlisle, and it took all of him to save her. But I was too late."

The pain was obvious in my voice. I could no longer stop the urge and I squeezed my heart. The pain dulled slightly, and resumed again.

"When she fell off the bed she landed head first. It gave her enough brain damage to force her into a coma." I swallowed.

"I was too late."

The werewolf was no longer sneering. His face was twisted into one of pain too. He reached one hand and gently stroked Bella's hair. I flinched.

"You really love her, don't you?" He whispered; his eyes on Bella.

I nodded. Of course I loved her. I loved her as much as the sky is blue. My love wouldn't even compare to the whole galaxy. I would do anything to switch places with her, so I was the one in coma and she was well.

"If Sam only told me sooner, then I would've there for you, Bella." He gently rested his hand on Bella's other hand. Immediately my lip curled and I growled a warning growl. The dog's actions were just a bit too passionate for me to be comfortable.

He just smirked, enjoying my discomfort, then he turned to me once again, his dark eyes surprisingly indifferent and cold.

"Remember the treaty, leech." He said. "You bite her, you die."

He walked away, the bouquet of roses on the floor. The flower reminded me of the color of Bella's lips, full and luscious. Now they were sickly looking and pale.

"Bella will turn to me in the end. She loves me too, she just doesn't know it." Those were his last parting words, and with that the werewolf was gone.

The words brought a sense of unsettlement to me. I recognized it as fear.

I thought of Bella in his arms. I thought of Bella kissing his lips.

Will that happen? I tried to convince myself that Bella loved me, but…

I remembered the memory of her walking on the beach with the dog; she looked so happy.

That's when I knew there was a chance, however small, that the dog's fantasies just might happen.


	15. Chapter 14: False Alarm

**I want to clear some things up since a lot of people had questions about the last chapter: **

**First of all, Bella does NOT love Jacob. She only sees him like a friend, however Jacob loves Bella, not as strongly, but he still loves her. Jacob thinks that Bella loves him a little also because of that night on the beach, when Bella was flirting with him. It gave him the wrong idea. He basically thinks Edward somehow tricked her into loving Edward instead of him **

**Secondly, there really is no chance that Bella would be with Jacob, and Edward only thinks that because he's paranoid. His only love is in a coma, and before she was in severe depression which was kinda his fault, so yeah. Edward is jumping to conclusions and he's getting paranoid. **

**Edward doesn't know Jacob's name. If you look closely at the story he has always called Jacob "dog" or "mongrel" or etc. He only knows that Jacob has been with Bella before and he has made her happy (that night on the beach) because it was in his thoughts. **

**I hope that answered all of your questions! If you still have some then ask away! **

* * *

The werewolf never came back, but his visited haunted me day and night. The thought of Bella kissing the dog made me retch. I couldn't imagine Bella with the mongrel. 

And yet…

I knew that she would be happier with him. He too was a human, and he too could make her happy.

But I wanted her. I needed her. My body craved hers, and my love for her was forevermore and true. I knew that the pain would be unbearable if Bella really chose the dog. I knew that my very essence would be ripped from my body.

I felt like I was going to snap from all the stress and paranoia; I felt like I was fighting a war here. Never before had I ever felt so unbalanced, and never before did I feel so desperate.

Bella was getting worse. Last night her lungs were having trouble breathing again. Today an extra machine was in the room. The machine took up the empty space on the left side of Bella, and the hole in my heart widened.

I was facing an impasse; a big one. I could change her right now and damn her; I could be a selfish monster and destroy the soul of this pure and innocent person, and also break the treaty and put her and my family in danger.

Or I can hope that Bella would be strong enough and let her get well, just so she might choose the dog over me. There may not even be a second choice, if Bella doesn't get well and dies.

My head throbbed as I tried to make a decision. If I choose the wrong one, I will lose Bella forever. I had to make a choice.

But Bella would not have a choice. No matter what I choose, Bella didn't have a say. That to me was unjustified and cruel. It was her life, why was I the one who was going to decide her fate? I couldn't do that to Bella.

So instead I waited, the arguments in my head intensified, but I didn't reach a decision. Instead I remained at an impasse.

It's been five weeks, and now Bella was entering the vegetative state of coma. I began to suspect that her head injury was a lot worse than I thought it was, and I was right.

"The head trauma was worse than we thought." Said Carlisle when he came in.

"I'm afraid that her brain is slowly shutting down and she is entering the vegetative state."

I nodded, unable to say anything. I knew that recovery after a patient as been through the vegetative state would be harder. The patient's mind will have to rewire itself slowly and gradually as the patient heals.

"We will have to monitor her even more carefully to prevent any infections."

I felt Carlisle's eyes on my face as his worried thoughts filled my mind. I thought of how I must look to him; constantly sitting here by Bella's side without doing anything. I was almost like a dead statue.

"I'm fine, Carlisle. Thank you for telling me." I tried to sound reassuring but my voice came out dead and flat.

I could tell that Carlisle wanted to say something, but just then Dr. Snow entered the room and ushered Carlisle away, leaving me and Bella behind.

I slowly turned and looked at Bella's face again and stroked her cheek gently. Then I felt something wet slide onto my hand.

It was a tear; a single drop of moisture and the first sign of movement from Bella in the last five weeks. Then another one slid down her face, followed by more.

I sat, stunned as the tears stained my hand.

"Bella…?" My voice was hesitant and cautious. I didn't want my hopes to get too high just to be pushed down again.

Bella's eyes flew open as she stared blankly on the ceiling. I couldn't believe my eyes!

I broke into the first grin I had in weeks and I hugged Bella tightly.

"Oh Bella!" I broke apart, sobbing tearless sobs on her shoulder. "Don't ever scare me like that!"

I held on to her and the holes in my heart healed. The pain was stopped as a pair of neat stitches bound it inward, stopping any of it from escaping.

But something was wrong. Bella wasn't moving; she wasn't hugging back or doing anything!

I anxiously turned Bella so her face would face me; her eyes never left the ceiling. They stared at the ceiling without blinking. The flat dead expression in her eyes troubled me. It was like she was stuck in her own little world.

The reminiscent of her tears were still sparkling on her face as I stared at her; trying to understand why it seemed liked she was still in a coma. Then a memory flew into my mind and I knew why.

**----&---- **

_It was 1948; it was about twenty years after my rebellious period. My bloodlust was kept under enough control so I could stand to be around humans. _

_I enrolled in Cambridge University in England as a new student, eager to learn about medicine and the human body. My first year was difficult as I paid more attention to the blood than my studies, but my curiosity about the study of medicine kept me under control. Everything was so fascinating, but there was one lesson that caught the core of my fascination. _

_My teacher was Dr. Danilip. He was a great doctor and a great man. He always seemed to favor me more than the others, and soon he became my favorite teacher. _

_The student and teacher bond we had was strong. Of course it was nothing compared to the bond me and Carlisle had, but it was still one of the few bonds I had. _

_He taught me much of what I knew today. Carlisle was always busy as he worked all over the world. I knew that Carlisle wouldn't hesitate to teach me, but he was always working and I didn't want to bother him. _

_One day Dr. Danilip suggested that we visit the local hospital; Dr. Danilip thought it would be prudent that I experience how things are run in a real hospital. He said there was one room he wanted me to see. _

_I remembered my curiosity as I followed Dr. Danilip around as he greeted the different doctors. That aching was stronger in the hospital; I felt that part of me stir in the shadows, whispering to me in a tempting way to drink some blood. _

_But I resisted. I wouldn't let Carlisle down, and I wouldn't let Dr. Danilip down either. I was just going to have to be strong enough. _

_At last we arrived at the room at he was looking for. He slowly opened the door and motioned for me to follow him in. I stepped inside the room. _

_"Edward, how much do you know about patients in comatose state?" _

_I smiled. I knew quite a great deal. _

_"Patients in comatose state are in a deep state of unconsciousness. They do not respond to movement and or light and cannot waken. They cannot move or-." _

_Dr. Danilip interrupted me. "That's very good Edward, but do you know of the stages of coma?" _

_I smiled again. Of course I knew! _

_"Usually coma lasts two to five weeks, but if the patient does not awaken in that time period then they might proceed to the vegetative state, in which the brain loses even more neurological functions." _

_Dr. Danilip nodded. "Very good Edward. I see you've done your research." _

_I nodded in appreciation like a small boy. I was so eager to please when it came to Dr. Danilip. _

_"Here we have a comatose patient who has been asleep for six weeks. He has already passed to the vegetative state." _

_I walked to Dr. Danilip's side to take a closer look at the patient. He was a young man, not much older than me. I felt slight discomfort when I remembered that years ago that was what I looked like when I was dying of the Spanish Influenza. _

_Suddenly the patient's eyes opened. I gasped. _

_"Sir! The patient has come out of the vegetative state already! We must alert the other doctors!" _

_Dr. Danilip only chuckled at my statement. I stared at him, puzzled. _

_"How much reading did you do on the vegetative state, Edward?" _

_Automatically I answered, "Not that much, but I am quite informed of it." _

_Dr. Danilip chuckled. "A patient in the vegetative state can open their eyes and will be able execute behaviors such as tears, smiles, grinding their teeth, and so on, unlike coma." _

_I stared blankly at Dr. Danilip, and then back at the patient. _

_"So this patient is still in a coma?" I asked. _

_He nodded. "I trust you already knew about that, didn't you?" _

_If I could blush, I would've. I couldn't believe I missed such a big detail! _

_Dr. Danilip smiled and nodded. _

_"We should leave; we don't want to disturb the patient even longer." _

**----&---- **

It was just another symptom of the vegetative state. In the past I had mistaken it, and now in the future I had too. I had made the same mistake twice, except this time it cost much more than before.

My hope, which filled me for a moment, dwindled and faded like a deflating balloon. The stitches that held my heart together popped out like buttons and the pain escaped.

I felt that similar ache, except it ran through my whole body. I winced and squeezed my hands shut, hoping that the aches would pass. They didn't.

I gently set Bella back down on the bed; her eyes still open and staring blankly at the ceiling.

How could I have been so stupid? How could I have possibly believed that Bella would get better in a flash? Why did I get my hopes up?

I felt a pop in my chest, and I knew that's when my heart had finally exploded from all the strain. I couldn't take it anymore.

And I wept, my face above Bella's still one. No tears leaked out of my eyes, but the pain that finally cut itself loose from me rushed to the surface.

Then I felt no more.

* * *

**I knew you have some questions, like how Edward "felt no more". Don't worry, it will be answered soon!**


	16. Chapter 15: Hallucination

**Sorry for not updating sooner! School and tennis is getting me down. Anyway, I'm not really happy with this chapter since it's short and weird, but the next chapter will be a lot better!**

* * *

Something in me snapped, and suddenly I felt no pain. I felt nothing, I saw nothing, and I felt nothing. I was nothing, and nothing was me. 

Nothing mattered. I had no worries, no cares, nothing. I was escaping from everything that I knew to a better place, but…

Something was missing; my other half, my ying to my yang, the reason that I existed. I felt empty; I was unable to leave without my other half.

With a jolt I suddenly realized that I wasn't in the hospital anymore, and Bella wasn't at my side. My eyes warily swept through the tall grasses and the small wild flowers… It was our meadow; Bella and me, our meadow.

The thought of Bella back then, when she was happy and we were together, broke through my stupor and brought along with it a fresh wave of pain. My face twisted as the pain shook through my body. I needed to go back; I needed to go back to Bella.

Before I knew it I was swept away by some unknown force. I struggled against it; I wasn't going to go anywhere without Bella, but I wasn't strong enough. The gust pulled me off my feet, and I was flying upward.

A single spot of light focused on me as I floated upward toward the clouds. I saw the world below me slowly disappear as the clouds swallowed me whole.

_Bella…_ Her name echoed in my head like wind chimes. And the world went white.

It was so bright that it blinded my eyes temporarily. I squinted against it, trying to see what was beyond, but the bright diamond white engulfed me. I could not see anything past it.

"Edward…" The voice was soothing and familiar. It sent jitters through me for some reason.

I cleared my throat. "W-Who are you, and what do you want?"

Suddenly the light dimmed and I was able to see who it was. Instantly I froze.

"Bella…? What are you-?"

She cut me off, her hand raised toward me.

"Edward…" Her hand reached for me; my hand instinctively reached for her. How I longed to hold her in my arms.

Her smile touched my heart as I got closer and closer to her. Then suddenly…

The light extinguished as I saw my angel fall. Every second was delayed in my eyes as her slim figure dropped to the ground. The memories flashed through my head. Bella blushing, Bella laughing, Bella sleeping, Bella… Bella…

"No! Bella!" I could not lose her again. I will never make that same mistake again.

Bella was lying on the cloud in the same hospital uniform that she always wore. All the life and sparkle she had minutes ago were gone. She looked exactly how like the Bella that I've known for weeks.

I reached her side; the dread filled my insides.

"Bella! Bella! Please! Bella!" My words trailed off in the wind as Bella laid there, still and unmoving.

And she was gone. I had failed her once again.

**----&---- **

I gasped and my eyes flew open. I shot up from my seat as I breathed in and out heavily. My hands trembled with the dread that I felt. I slowly clenched them into fists and then uncurled them, hoping the trembling would pass. They didn't.

I closed my eyes and took another deep breath. My breathing calmed and slowly returned to normal.

I opened my eyes again and suddenly my mind remembered why I was in such terror a minute ago.

"Bella!" My head jerked toward Bella's still and pale figure. I rushed over to her side and rested my head on her chest; listening for the reassuring sound of life.

_Th-thump Th-thump_. I sighed. The sound was music to my ears. My terror immediately ceased as the rhythmic beating of her heart calmed down my nerves. I felt utter relief for a second, then confusion filled me.

I lifted my head off her chest and returned to my seating place next to her, my thoughts spinning. There was something that wasn't right here.

What had just happened? I saw Bella dead, but here she is alive and her heart was still beating. How could I have seen that? Visions weren't my power.

But it wasn't a vision. Visions weren't this fictional. There was no way me and Bella would ever meet high up in the clouds, just like there was no way Bella could've jumped out of the vegetative state so fast.

It was probably a hallucination; the stress had finally got to me. Nothing was going to happen and I was overacting again. Carlisle said that Bella was in a stable condition, and she is safe and alive. It was all a hallucination.

So why was my hand shaking again?

* * *

**Okay, you have questions, so I am here to answer them! **

**First of all, Edward did have a hallucination. He was putting so much stress on his brain that it short circuited. It shut down temporarily and his subconscious mind conjured up a hallucination. It was NOT a vision. Visions are things that would really happen, and there's no way Edward and Bella would meet in a cloud. **

**Second, even though it is a hallucination, that doesn't mean it doesn't have any meaning. hint hint **


	17. Chapter 16: Sick

The hallucination stayed clear in my mind, and whatever I did I could not get it out. I couldn't help but think that maybe it was a premonition, a sign that I had to do something.

Bella was in steady condition. She no longer had troubles with her breathing and Carlisle said that if she continues then we could get the respirator off her.

But I heard Carlisle doubt. I knew that he didn't expect her to get any better after this. He was careful with his thoughts around me, but I didn't need to read his thoughts to see what he was thinking; his face said it all.

But I didn't let that get me down. Almost everyone thought that Bella would never completely heal; everyone except for me. Besides, all these small improvements mean something.

It means that we are one step closer to being completely together. We are one step closer to being how we used to be… before I left.

Her eyes were open today. They stared listlessly at the ceiling. It hurt me to see that her once bright brown eyes were now so dead and unfeeling. I squeezed my eyes shut as the pain ached in my heart. I breathed deeply and the pain slowly resided. I opened my eyes once more.

Bella's dead eyes weren't on the ceiling anymore, but they were on me. Her searching eyes bored a hole through me as she stared at me. I felt a tiny fleck of hope run through me.

"Bella?" I whispered. Her eyes were on my face.

"It's Edward, Bella. I'm so sorry for doing this to you. I'm so sorry." My hand extended toward her face and I lightly touched her face.

"I love you." I said. Her eyes were still on me, but they held no comprehension, no understanding. I was talking a rock.

I sighed, frustrated. It was so much like me to get my hopes up like this. Bella was still in the vegetative state, so of course she wouldn't understand! I withdrew my hand. I wanted to hit myself for feeling so hopeful once more, because then the disappointment and pain filled me.

I braced myself for the pain and let it take over. It spread through my body like a plague. My breathing grew ragged as it reached the highest point of pain, then just like that it disappeared.

_Without a trace, as invisible as the wind, ready to sweep into the body as the next tear falls. _

Except I cannot cry tears, I can cry air. But then how can you tell that I'm actually crying?

_Cry the sadness, cry the sorrow, tears that fall, never visible, never wet, never there._

That suited me better. I can try to cry the sadness, the sorrow, but the tears that I cry will never come.

_Never visible, never there._

Is that how I will be like to Bella? When she heals, will she remember me? Will she remember everything we've been through? Would I only be a hidden memory, a painful one, one that she doesn't want to remember?

I felt the pain sweep through me once more as the realization of the situation finally sunk in. This time I welcomed it. It distracted me from my thoughts.

The sharp stab of knives grazed my skin as I clenched my fists together. Momentarily I forgot everything I was thinking about, but as soon as the pain resided I remembered.

And I didn't forget.

**----&----**

I saw the sun slowly sink down in the horizon; the fiery orb blazing with the promising fact of night. And then it was gone.

Darkness settled quickly; the blanket of black covered the landscape, protecting the night from the day. The tiny sparkles of stars glittered above, dazzling the world with its beauty.

It was Twilight, the end of another day, the end of another day without Bella recognizing me.

There was no moon today; it was a new moon. A new moon showed how the moon is born. It all starts out with a new moon and then slowly builds into a full moon.

The beginning, that's what the new moon signifies, but the beginning of what?

I held Bella's hand and stared deep into her eyes. I hoped that I would catch some glimpse of the bright and lively Bella, but I saw nothing but the deep depths of pain and sadness.

Once or twice I saw her shiver. I covered her with a wool blanket. She was still shivering from either the cold or the fear.

She was suffering from inner demons; no doubt they were all in the shape of me.

I felt immense guilt as I watched her suffer so. It was all my fault… All my fault.

My fault Bella was catatonic, my fault she's in coma…

I'm the one to blame for her pain, her suffering, and her demise.

Bella shivered again; her seat dripped down from her forehead as she clutched her blanket furiously. I needed to do something.

I placed my head on her forehead to help her calm down, then I yelped.

Her forehead was burning hot.

**----&----**

'I'm sorry Edward, but she was pneumonia."

The word brought complete terror to me. I didn't want to believe Carlisle.

She was in steady condition! She was improving! How did all of the sudden she get infected?

But the facts were there, and the symptoms were there. There was doubt that Bella was sick, but with pneumonia?

Most comatose patients who died in coma or the vegetative state died from pneumonia. I thought that perhaps my Bella would be different, but now…

Bella was sick with pneumonia. Bella might die.

The gaping hole in my heart tore open. I struggled against the pain. I didn't want to see another death hallucination.

It was no use, the pain swallowed me whole and bound my body. I closed my eyes tight and took a few deep breaths. The pain subsided, but the ache of fear was still inside me.

"But… she was in steady condition. You said that you were keeping her from getting infected!" My voice grew louder and louder with every word.

Carlisle looked at me with pained eyes.

"She was, Edward, but now she isn't. We did everything we could. I'm sorry."

I breathed hard. No, no… this could not be happening!

"Well, it seems your best wasn't good enough, was it?" I replied scathingly. I walked back to Bella's side. There were even more machines in the room now.

Sometime I heard Carlisle exit the room, The absence of his thoughts provided silence. Now the room was complete quiet.

I didn't know how long I just sat there looking at Bella, thinking someone so innocent could have something like this happen to them, someone who didn't do anything wrong…

And then I wept; the cool air rushed down my face in place of the tears.


	18. Chapter 17: Victoria

**Okay, I am getting a little annoyed with some of the reviews. I do get what you are saying, but may I remind you that this is my fan fiction so if I want Bella to stay in coma for a long time then she will stay in coma for a long time. Besides, it's not like I write up all these chapters for no reason! Each chapter there's something different in them that's forcing Edward to make a choice, whether or not he wants to. You don't honestly think that Edward would just change Bella unless he really has to, do you?**

**Just saying, I really do appreciate all the reviews, more than you know, but it can get a bit annoying when you get reviews that tell you to "move it".**

It was night once more. The soft glow of the crescent moon provided the correct atmosphere and the glitters of the stars reminded me of small diamonds.

How time could pass when Bella was so sick, I didn't know, but it passed. Each day the moon showed more and more and the night sky slowly grew brighter. The constellations of stars were paintings on the night sky as they slowly changed with each passing day.

It's been a month since Bella was diagnosed with pneumonia. Her condition was unpredictable. Sometimes she would be fine, and sometimes she wouldn't. The dramatic changes in her condition were startling to everyone. It was almost like her life was balanced on a scale. One small shift in weight and everything came flying off. It scared me to know that one second she would be fine and the next she could be dead.

The worst part was the fact that I couldn't do anything for her except talk to her and try to help her through these times. The time was getting closer and closer.

Soon it would be time to decide, and I did not make up my mind yet.

Most life changing decisions would be life or death, but this was not life or death. This was death and death; death if I leave her as she is and also death if I change her. Either way she dies, either way the decision will forever haunt me.

I needed a walk, a walk to clear my mind. I could not think straight when I looked at Bella's lifeless body. The guilt that I felt overpowered everything, making my thoughts muddy and cloudy. I needed to give this a lot of thought without anything fogging my mind.

Also it's been ages since I've hunted. The scent of blood was slowly getting stronger. I knew that if I didn't hunt soon I would be making decisions that I would regret later.

I slowly walked to Bella's side and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

"I'll be gone for a moment, love." I whispered into her ear. Then I quietly slipped out the door.

At night the hospital looked dead. The darkness that covered the halls made it look almost eerie. For a moment I felt scared.

I shook my head. I was going crazy. Scared of a building? I was a vampire. I wasn't scared of anything, except I was.

I was scared for Bella. The fear gnawed at my body. Overtime it only grew larger and larger. Bella's unpredictable drops and improvements didn't help either.

As soon as I got outside the cool air released me temporarily from my worries. I had forgotten how good it felt to go outside, how good it felt to breathe fresh air. Suddenly I was aware of just how hungry I was. I haven't hunted ever since Bella's diagnosis of pneumonia.

The thirst was an ache in the back of my throat. For the first time in months my mind was clear from everything and I focused on my kill. I got into a crouch and ran as fast as I could; leaving Bella and the hospital behind.

The trees flashed by me in blurs as I ran faster and faster. Finally I got to a secluded little forest. I smiled. It was time.

I closed my eyes and let my senses take over. It was like letting a wild animal control you. I was aware of every sound, every smell, every small movement.

When I reopened my eyes I was no longer that tame Edward that everyone knew; I was a predator; one that thirsted for the blood of living things. I was no longer safe.

In my peripheral vision I saw a flicker of movement. The scent of the animal hit my nose a second later. It was a deer. The scent of it was tempting.

The excess amount of venom flowed into my mouth. I turned and lunged for it. I saw the fear in the dark eyes of the animal, but I didn't care. I was hungry and I needed blood. I craved it.

I snapped its neck in a second, killing it instantly. It would not have felt any pain. The red liquid that leaked out of its neck was luscious and inviting. I could not deny myself to it any longer.

I lowered my head and put my mouth to the dead animal's neck, and then I drank. The blood flowed into my mouth tasted so sweet. I quickly drained the animal and circled the area looking for more.

About the third time I circled it I noticed a familiar scent of a vampire. I stopped running and sniffed the air. The scent was fresh.

Just then my cell phone rang. I didn't notice that I had it on me. I stuck my hand inside the pocket of my jeans. I looked at the number. It was Alice.

I pressed the button.

"Alice? What-?"

Alice's frantic voice answered on the other end.

"Edward! It's Victoria!"

I froze. Victoria was still here? I breathed in deeply to prevent myself from completely falling to pieces. The scent of the vampire drifted into my nose again.

Recognition hit me. Dammit! This is Victoria's scent! She was here all along!

"Edward? Edward?" Alice's voice grew more frantic by the second.

"Are you sure?" My voice came out too loud.

There was no answer.

"Alice? Hello? Hello?!" I couldn't keep my panic in now.

There still was no answer. It was a dropped call.

I furiously crushed the cell phone in my hand. Stupid useless piece of junk! I stood there breathing deeply contemplating what Alice had told me.

Victoria was here in Forks. She was no doubt she was looking for me to avenge her mate, but then…

Why didn't she come for me sooner? We've been here for a whole year and she waited until now? What was her goal?

My question was answered right then as I heard the silent steps of her catlike walk.

"My my… don't you have a temper problem?"

Her voice sent shivers through my body.

"Victoria." The name brought out a sudden rage. I turned sharply to see Victoria standing there will Bella in her arms, her red eyes glowing.

"Looking for your worthless little human Edward?" She lightly shuffled Bella in her arms. Bella fluttered around like a rag doll.

"Let her go!" I snarled at her. I immediately got down into a crouching position with my teeth bared.

Victoria simply laughed at me.

"Let's not be hasty. One little mistake and your pathetic human just might…" Victoria enclosed her pale fingers around Bella's neck.

I stiffened. No… I couldn't do anything that would danger Bella even more than she already is. I slowly got back to standing position with my hands clenched.

"That's better. You wouldn't want me to accidentally slip, would you?" Her fingers were still around Bella's neck.

It was Bella all along, not me. Why didn't I figure this out sooner? I could've token precautions.

"What do you want?" My mind calculated the chances I had to grab Bella out of Victoria's arms and run away. They weren't good. I knew that if she saw me move a millimeter she would snap Bella's neck without any hesitation.

Her sharp laugh brought me out of my thoughts. I glared at her with pure hatred in my eyes.

"I'm sure you already know, don't you? James did mention to me about your abilities before he…died." Her voice grew hard.

"I was searching for this pitiful human all these years. I went to her house, but she wasn't there. The male human there wouldn't tell me where she went, so I killed him."

I winced. She killed Charlie. Bella would be devastated to hear that. Once again the presence of me has hurt her when she didn't even know it.

"Her scent was all over town. I was running around like a blind bird. I never was as good as tracking as James. I got confused and eventually wandered over to the dog's territory."

She made a face.

"Disgusting things aren't they? I was surprised when I found out that you actually made a treaty with them. They chased me all the way to Africa until they finally decided to leave me alone.

"I was beginning to consider the fact that perhaps she was already dead or maybe you had taken her with you. I came back reluctantly to make sure. I wasn't expecting her to be here.

"But I guess I was wrong. I got here tonight and I was circling around, and who was I to see but you walk out of the hospital."

She smiled a feral smile.

"I knew then that she must be close, and I was right."

My heart sank. If I never come out today then I wouldn't have put Bella in danger. Once again my foolish actions provided dire consequences for Bella.

"A mate for a mate, Edward. You killed James; I kill your precious human." She smiled at me. I sensed she was coming to the end of her gloat.

"Watch her die, vampire." I saw the tiniest movement of her fingers on Bella's throat. I took off immediately. I ran as fast as I could and my desperation only drove me faster, but I was too late. Her fingers tightened around Bella's neck before I got there, and I heard a sickening snap.

My heart cried out in agony. My mind was going crazy. This is not happening, this is not happening… Out of the corner of my eye I saw her drop Bella on the ground like trash.

"No!" I cried, the pain was quickly turning into fury and hatred. Never before did I ever hate anyone this much.

I snarled; the sound ripped out of my throat. I sifted into a crouch and I lunged for Victoria. I forgot everything except for my rage at Victoria.

I was at her side in a second. My fist connected with her face as I mustered all my strength into that punch.

Her eyes widened in surprise as my fist connected with her face and she flew backward several yards. She slammed into a large tree, breaking it in half. I breathed in fury as I saw her fall. Then something clicked in my mind and I remembered that Bella was dying.

I whirled around and took off, reaching Bella's side in an instant.

"Bella! Please! No…" I bent over her crumpled body and sobbed.

Victoria's fingers snapped Bella's neck with such force that she snapped her blood vessels too. The blood pouring out of her neck was so sweet. It called for me like a siren. The scent drove me mad. The excess venom was already flowing in my mouth as the dormant monster stirred. It screamed for me to bite, to drink.

My sobbing stopped immediately as soon as her scent hit my nose. I squeezed my eyes shut as I concentrated on bottling the wild thirst up. I stopped breathing and gritted my teeth hard.

In the darkness I heard several things at once. I heard my own frenzied thoughts as I struggled to keep myself under control as well as the screams of the monster's yells. Then I heard Victoria's thoughts sneering at me.

_He's going to kill her himself, pathetic vampire._ The words echoed around in my mind.

No, I will not give into my nature. I gritted my teeth even harder and clenched my hands. I bottled up the screaming monster inside me at last.

I breathed in a sigh of relief, and then I heard on sound that pierced my heart, a single voice above all.

"Ed-ward…" I opened my eyes in shock. It was Bella.

She laid there on the floor looking so crumpled and broken. It broke my heart that I was too late once again.

Her brown eyes showed a tiny flicker of life as they gazed at me with love. She winced from the pain but her eyes never left my face.

"Ed…ward…" She gasped and coughed up blood. I felt as if time was standing still, as if everything was slowly slowing down.

She attempted a tiny smile then she started to cough up blood again. The pain that I felt swallowed me up whole when I knew what I must do.

Everything rested on this moment. My decision was final, but I knew that it would be too long before I forgive myself for doing this to her. I closed my eyes in prayer that I would be strong enough to do it.

"I… l-love…you…" The tears were streaming out of her eyes. I knew that if I could cry I would be crying too.

I opened my eyes lowered my face. The pain that filled me threatened to pull me under as I gently put my lips on hers.

One last kiss… The kiss of farewell.

"I love you too, my sweet Bella." Then I moved my lips onto her neck.

"Forgive me…" I whispered. I saw her lips twitch slightly into a smile. She knew what I was about to do and she was smiling.

Then I bit her neck; the venom flowed into my mouth as her sweet blood entered my mouth.


	19. Chapter 18: Transformation

**Okay, sorry for the last snappy author's note. I was just kinda frustrated and tired. Anyway, I want to clear up some things:**

**The neck break wasn't meant to kill Bella instantly because she wanted Edward to see Bella die slowly and gruesomely. She never thought he had it in him to change her. Bella was able to talk because Victoria didn't break her vocal chords. **

As soon as her blood reached my lips I realized exactly what I was doing. I was eternally damning her; there was no turning back.

The venom was now slowly creeping in her bloodstream. I felt her squirm underneath my teeth. I knew that I was causing her discomfort.

I tried to release my hold on her neck, but it was like I was glued to her. I couldn't go away. The creature was out of its chains and it was drinking her blood greedily. I was slowly killing her.

Horrified at what I was doing I forced myself to push myself away, but her blood… It was so sweet, so alluring. I couldn't find the strength in me to walk away.

The scream that left her lips tore at my heart. My mind was screaming at me. _What the hell are you doing Edward? _ I struggled to keep myself under control; I was not going to let myself become that monster.

With blazing determination I forced my head away from her neck. Each inch was slow and felt like I was lifting a whole mountain, but eventually I was able to lock up the creature once more and tightly bound it with steel chains. It will stay like that; waiting eagerly for the next opportunity to break free.

Bella lost whatever her color her pale face had and screamed again. The scream was a painful wail that rang in my ears and echoed in my head. I never heard Bella scream like that before.

I stared at my love screaming and writhing about. _What had I done?_ She screamed once more; this scream was louder and even more desperate.

I was horrified. I was killing her! I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't look at Bella, not after what I done to her. I was a monster. I had killed off my one and true love…

Suddenly I heard a wild snarl behind me. In an instant I felt myself flying toward the nearest tree. I crashed into it, ripping it out of its roots.

My eyes flew open in shock. There was Victoria standing over my Bella, her face twisted into one of disgust and fury.

"Insolent human, falling in love with a vampire." She laughed. I felt my anger boil to the surface.

Her wild eyes whipped to my face and she snarled at me.

"You think you saved her? You think that it's over? Nothing is over! I will kill her like you killed James!" She shrieked at me, her voice slowly getting shriller and shriller.

I stared at her; she was losing her mind. Her eyes were wide and excited as a crazy maniacal laugh escaped her mouth.

"I'll kill her, and you! I'll kill you all!" Her voice continued and grew louder and louder.

The words brought on a string of never ending anger. She will never get her hands on Bella or my family.

I broke free from the broken tree and lunged at her. She ran back at me and we hit each other in a swift motion. The impact made me stagger backward a few steps. I quickly regained my balance and prepared to lunge for her again, when suddenly out of nowhere Emmett appeared.

"Edward, go help Bella! I'll handle her." My surprise kept me in place.

"Edward!" I turned my head and saw Alice, Carlisle, Rosalie, and Esme hovering around Bella, forming a protective wall around her.

In a flash I was next to Alice as I bent over to look at Bella closely. Her breathing was ragged as I saw her body shake with the pain.

"Edward, you need to bite her again." Carlisle said. I looked at Carlisle fearfully. I almost killed her the first time I bit her, what if I lost control again?

Esme interrupted. "We're here with you, Edward. We won't let you do anything." Her words comforted me slightly as I turned my face to look at Bella again. I heard Emmett's yells in the distance as he dueled with Victoria.

"Edward, you'll going to have to do it fast. There isn't enough venom in her bloodstream for her to make it." Carlisle said me with urgency in his voice. I gazed into his wise golden eyes and froze…

Because in Carlisle's eyes I saw that Edward. That Edward had those blood red eyes and human blood dripping down his chin. That Edward was what I once was. I shut my eyes.

No… I will not become that, never again. When I opened my eyes my mind was set.

I lowered my head and bit her wrists. The taste of her blood stirred the monster inside me, but my will kept it bound tightly. Then I moved my head and bit her on the neck once more.

"Edward, you need to bite her more. Her heart is…" Carlisle didn't need to say more.

I bit her again and again, each time she flinched and screamed. My heart dropped when I realized that it was I who was causing her so much pain once again. Each taste of her blood weakened my willpower. I knew that sooner or later I would give in.

Sometime in the middle I heard Emmett arrive. I heard Carlisle ask him whether or not Victoria was dead. Emmett muttered a disappointed no. I felt a slight anger course through me. Victoria was still out there, she wasn't dead…yet.

At last Carlisle nodded and stopped me from mutilating her body any more. I slowly stepped away from her body, my head was spinning slightly. I was sure that by now my eyes would be crimson red. The thought that I actually drank Bella's blood made me sick. I couldn't help but think I was this close to draining her of all her blood. It made me feel disgusted.

Another scream tore out of her lips. The spinning stopped and when I saw Bella I was horrified. There were slashes all over her; they were the reminiscent of bite marks. She writhed in agony and screamed again.

_What have I done? How could I have…? _ I buried my face in my hands; my guilt consumed me as I heard her shriek again and again.

"It's not your fault. You had to do it." That was Alice. I felt her hands on my shoulders as she tried to comfort me.

I swallowed. She didn't know that it was because of me that Victoria managed to get her hands on Bella. It was all my fault. Now Bella was in even more pain.

Someone moved my hands off my face. I looked at my feet; I didn't want to see another sympathetic face. I didn't want someone else to tell me that it wasn't my fault, because it was all my fault. I didn't want to here any more lies.

"Ed-ward!" Bella shrieked. I looked up and walked to Bella's side. The pained expression on her face hurt so much.

"I'm right here, love. I'm so sorry…" I rested my lips on her forehead.

"Ed-ward!" She shrieked again. Her hands reached for my face. Her fingers touched my cool marble face, then they halted to a stop as another spasm of pain ran through her body. She cringed and her hands fell back to her sides.

"I'm here. I won't leave you." I put my hand on her cheek and ran it along her cheekbone.

"Edward, you need to get her to the house. The transformation should end in at most two days with the amount of venom in her bloodstream. I'll stay back and inform the hospital of her death." Carlisle looked at me with eyes full of sympathy.

My eyes locked with his. At first I felt confusion, then I remembered what Bella was becoming. I felt that same guilt burn inside me. Renee would be so upset.

Esme patted my back reassuringly. I couldn't bear to look at her. I didn't want her to see me like this.

I silently scooped up Bella in my arms. Bella tossed and turned in my arms with discomfort as I ran. I heard her whimper a few times, but then she was silent.

She was so brave. To keep silent for even a little while during the transformation was a huge thing. The whole time you would be wishing for death. I remembered how it felt for me and shuddered.

And now Bella was going through it. She was going through one of the most painful things in life. One cannot even imagine how horrible it felt. Again the guilt and the shame threatened to pull me under. I felt another ache in my heart as a gasp escaped Bella's lips.

"I'm so sorry for this Bella. Please forgive me." I whispered to her. She stirred slightly at the sound of my voice. Her eyes were squeezed shut.

I caught Rosalie looking at us with pity in her eyes. For the first time her thoughts didn't hold anything nasty about Bella. She felt genuine sympathy.

"I really am sorry, Edward." I didn't turn to face her. The apology was real, but it made my insides squirm.

Because Rosalie never apologized for anything.


	20. Chapter 19: Dreaming

**Okay, I'm sorry for not updating for a lllooonnngggg time. I have absolutely no time, and when I do have time it's juggled between School, homework, chinese, violin, piano, tennis, SAT, and on and on. I promise I'll update tomorrow!**

* * *

An eternity past, maybe even longer than an eternity. Every second dragged on as the fire spread through my Bella's body, changing her, reshaping her, into a vampire. 

I stayed by Bella's side the whole time and watched her intently, occasionally kissing her on her sweat covered forehead as she breathed uneasily. I hated to see that I had done this to her, that it was I who was putting her through such agony. I wanted more than anything to switch places with her. I wanted to be in her place so she won't feel that pain.

Then slowly and slowly, Bella changed. The changes were so subtle that even my own eyes could not recognize it at first, but then it was apparent.

It must've been twelve hours or so, when I suddenly realized that Bella's hand felt strangely cold. I placed my cheek on her hand, it was like ice.

I searched Bella's face intently, looking for other subtle changes that I might have missed. There were a few, but only minor.

Her skin was now pale. It was the same shade of pure snow, the color of pure innocence. I lightly touched her cheek. It was marble hard like rock. It sent shivers of down my back.

I remembered how soft and warm she was. Her skin had so much color compared to how she looked now and her blushes were the most delicious shade of red. Her warmth comforted me when she slept next to me.

Another gasp of pain escaped her lips, which had turned a rather dark shade of blood red. The contrast between her lips and her skin was strikingly beautiful.

"Edward…" Her eyes fluttered slightly, trying to see my face.

"I'm right here, love. It'll be over soon." I brushed my lips along her cheek bone.

"Edward…" She bit her lip as another shudder of pain ran through her. Her grip on my hand was hard as she struggled to not scream. Another stab in my chest, another cloud of guilt.

"Edward…" She repeated over and over again until she slept on, the transformation continued. I fingered her hand and sobbed, unable to control myself any longer.

No moisture ran down my face but my sorrow was real. Sorrow for Bella for all she went through, and now this. Sorrow that she didn't know that her father had died and now she was becoming one of the undead. Sorrow that all of her previous loved ones will no longer be able to see her once she changed.

At last I felt a lethargic cloud settle over me as I read the presence of Jasper through his thoughts.

_It was the right thing to do, Edward._ He thought as he sat beside me, the calming waves rushed over me.

I wished I could say he was right, but I wouldn't know until Bella woke up. Somehow it still seemed like it was the wrong choice even when everyone around you says otherwise.

**----&---- **

Her eyes fluttered slightly as she slowly began to wake up.

It's been only one day, but there was enough venom in her bloodstream to make the change in only twenty-four hours. Less pain Bella needed to suffer.

I felt her stir slightly and slowly, as if she was coming back from a long sleep. Her eyes fluttered open, then closed, then opened and closed. I leaned over her so I was only inches away from her lovely face.

She had changed so much, but she is still my Bella. Her face looked like the painting of an archangel. She was the Aphrodite of all love and beauty.

Her eyes seemed to grow larger even if she didn't open them yet. Her ebony black eyelashes curved the contours of her eyes. Her lips were blood red and full. I wanted to kiss them right here and then. I wanted to hold her delicate frame in my arms and kiss her again and again. She was beautiful, even more beautiful than Rosalie probably.

"Bella…" Suddenly her eyes snapped open in surprise and shock. Her blood red eyes looked at me in a disbelieving manner as she blinked twice.

Her pale white hands slowly and hesitantly touched my face. The touch sent shivers down my spine. I felt hope rising in me as I gazed down at my love.

She sat up, her eyes looking around the room. I saw them rest on each of my family members, the piano, the wall, and lastly, me. She shook her head as if trying to understand everything.

Everything was completely silent. It was an uneasy silence, like the silence before a storm, because you knew that something bad was going to happen.

"I'm dreaming again… This isn't real…" Her voice changed. It was so musical and amazing, in fact it sounded like a delicate wind chime.

She sounded sad, as if she wanted it all to be real. I turned her face slowly so she would face me. She closed her eyes in silent prayer.

"I'm dead and I'm now I'm dreaming…"

My heart dropped when I heard those words.

"Listen, Bella." I whispered urgently, "You're not dead and you're not dreaming."

She gazed at me with a smile.

"That's exactly how I imagined him to say." She delicately stroked my face with a gentle touch and kissed my cheek.

"I only regret that I didn't spend more time with him…" The pain that overcame her perfect features was agonizing. She looked like she would burst into tears.

I pulled her into a hug. With her so close to me I felt myself able to keep my form together. Her sadness was my sadness, her pain my pain. Connected…

"Please, Bella. Please believe me." I was pleading with her now. "This is real. I'm real; I'm so sorry Bella, for everything. Please forgive me! I love you, Bella. I love you and I always have!"

In a flash she was five feet away from me, leaving only a rush of air in her place. I felt hurt as I slowly lowered my arms and gazed at her with confusion.

She was shaking her head. "No, you don't love me. Edward doesn't love me, he left. That's how I know you're only a figment of my imagination, an Edward that my mind has conjured up." She smiled wistfully.

"I would want everything to just believe that Edward was back and he loves me, but then I'd only be lying to myself."

Her stare turned steely as she said in a cold tone. "A liar, that's what you are, you apparition. Edward is gone, and there's no way I can forgive him for what he did to me!"

A crack, a whip, a thorn that pierced me as I stared at her.

"Bella, please! Please understand! I love you!" The desperation was in my voice.

Her face turned even harder as I spoke those words and she shut her eyes and covered her ears.

"I don't believe you! I don't love you! I hate you! I hate Edward!" She screamed as she shook her head back and forth in frenzied movements.

I stared at her, the pain overwhelmed me. I sank onto my knees as the pain threatened to claw its way out. I tensed and waited for it to pass, but it didn't go away.

_Hate…hate…hate…_

Somehow through the intensity of the agony and grief I was able to see what was happened next. It happened in only a blink of an eye, but the loud smack of rock hitting rock was unmistakable.

Bella held her cheek in disbelief and fury as she stared Rosalie down. Rosalie glared back at Bella with equal intensity, her hand still raised.

Emmett took a few tentative steps toward Rosalie, his arms stretched out to comfort and stop Rosalie from slapping Bella anymore. Rosalie shook his hands away.

"You see him there?" Rosalie spoke with such fury that Emmett took a few steps back. "Do you see what pain you are causing him? What pain you have caused him? He's been at your side every second, every minute, every hour, every day. You hear him pleading with you, for your forgiveness? You hear him telling you that he loves you? Are you saying that you feel nothing at all!"

Bella took a few steps backward, the fury replaced with shock.

"You know what? It's you who is the liar. You're lying to yourself that you're dreaming, and you're lying to yourself that you hate him. You don't hate him! You love him! You're a filthy hypocrite you-!"

At that moment Emmett, sensing that it was time for him to intervene, grabbed Rosalie sharply and spun her so her head would be on his chest.

"Please, Rose. Please stop!" Emmett whispered agitatedly as Rosalie struggled in his grasp. At last she broke free.

She took a few swift steps and stopped until she was only inches away from Bella's now fearful face.

"If ever break Edward like you already did right in front of me ever again," She whispered menacingly, "You will pay. I will not see you break my family ever again."

Then she turned and rushed upstairs, the blur of golden hair was the last thing we saw.

Emmett sighed and shot an apologetic look at Bella, then dashed up the stairs after her.

Bella looked like she was going to burst into tears as she tossed one last look at my hunched over figure and dashed outside, as silent and graceful as an angel. I felt Alice at my side as she gave me a hug.

"She'll come along sooner or later, Edward. She doesn't mean those words, she's just confused."

Carlisle and Esme were at my side also. Esme pulled me into another hug as she gently whispered into my ear.

"You better go get her before something happens." Carlisle put a reassuring hand on my shoulder, while Jasper silently made the atmosphere crestfallen as he approached.

"Believe me, Edward." Jasper said gently and also sadly, "She's hurting as much as you are now."

Then somewhere outside I heard the ragged scream of an archangel.


	21. Chapter 20: Kiss

**Ok, I'm bad. I'm sorry that couldn't update last Sunday. There was just so much crap to do that I couldn't release the new chapter that was only half finished.**

**Anyway, I MAY update tomorrow. IF all crap is done. Hopefully it will be. And by the way, this fanfiction isn't going to end anything soon. At least 30 chapters, i think...**

* * *

The dark clouds above covered up all visible light while the droplets of rain pounded and dripped down my face.

I ran and ran; my breathing was twisted with anxiety. A crack of thunder and a flash of lightning appeared in the murky sky. The trees flew by at dangerous speeds as I increased my speed. My legs were flying; I didn't even feel the ground as each foot lightly pushed off the damp earth.

Bella's scent had literally been wiped out by the rain. Only a faint trace of lavender and freesia remained, but it was so faint and it seemed to disappear out of nowhere. I could no longer reply on my sense of smell. I would have to rely on my other instincts.

I slowed down into a jog, and finally stopped altogether. My panic was overwhelming. What if Bella met Victoria? Or worse, the dogs. What if she was hurt? I kicked myself for letting her go just like that.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. The rain soaked my hair and my shirt, but it provided a coolness that allowed me to focus. My senses were reaching its high point as I strained to find any sense of where Bella might be. I was aware of everything from then on; the biting icy air, the _drip drip drip_ of the rain, the loneliness and aches inside me. Then I heard it again, that same ragged scream of an angel all alone in the world. My eyes snapped open as I traced the scream to its source.

_Bella…_ I resumed my run, this time it was faster than ever. I didn't want to lose the sound. I ran toward it, my heart and mind both hopeful and also fearful. Will Bella reject me again? Or will she finally accept the truth?

Seconds past, and slowly I caught onto Bella's scent. It grew stronger and stronger as I raced toward the source of the scream. Then I smelled something else, blood.

In a spilt second I arrived at a clearing, a meadow. My eyes scanned the area, and at once I recognized exactly where I was.

Our meadow… Where it all started. Maybe history will repeat itself, maybe today will be the day it starts again.

A stab as I remembered that day, the day we proclaimed our love to each other, at this exact place. Then I had to ruin it all, I had to leave and destroy Bella. I had to leave and hurt Bella like this. My fault, all of it. The pain of the day's events finally got to me. I closed my eyes and sank down to my knees in defeat.

Why should I even try to find Bella? There was no way she could forgive me for what I did. I didn't deserve her, I didn't deserve anything. I was so horrible; I would even hurt the most important person in my life!

But I had to. I had to be there for Bella. Even if I didn't deserve her, she deserves a person to help her through this. Even if I may be the last person she would want to see, I owed it to Bella, for leaving her and then changing her.

Then I heard it through the loud pounding of the rain, it was the sound of sobbing, of eternal sadness. I turned my head slowly toward the sound, my anxiety melted into relief.

There was Bella, safe, but not sound.

It hurt so much to see her sobbing like that. The rain flowed down her perfect face like tears as she sobbed her heart out. Her hands were over her face, covering her beauty from the rest of the world. I felt like my whole world was coming apart, and it was.

Bella was my world, my existence, the reason I'm still here, and seeing her in pain like this, it triggered another wave of sorrow.

I wanted to run to her and hold her in my arms. I wanted to soothe her down like I always did before. I wanted to wipe away her tears and see her smile. I wanted to do everything for her, yet I couldn't move. The fear of rejection was holding me in place.

The thought of Bella actually hating me and rejecting me once more was agonizing. I wanted nothing else for us to be together again, loving each other like we had when we were not equals, but vampire and human.

Absorbed in my thoughts and my pain, I watched her sob from afar. My arms were itching to wrap themselves around Bella's willowy figure and hold her tight and my lips longed to feel the texture of her lovely full ones. But I kept my distance, for her sake and my own sake.

Then I noticed two young deer that were lying a few feet away from Bella, their necks looked snapped and the remnants of blood stained its fur as well as the grass. My eyes trailed over to the expressionless eyes of the deer to Bella, and I noticed that her chin had something red dribbling down it.

Recognition hit a second later. It was blood.

The blood only shocked me for a second, but afterwards I just felt weary. What was I to expect? She was a new vampire; of course she would be thirsty. I don't even know why I felt shocked.

I stared at the sky, trying to get my scrambled thoughts together. The rain stopped and the sun was beginning to rise into the sky. The air felt nice and cool, but it had an unsettling air to it, like it wasn't over yet.

My eyes returned to the spot where Bella was sitting, and they widened in surprise. I closed my eyes and quickly opened them again.

Bella wasn't there.

Immediately I started panicking. I scanned the meadow quickly before striding over to the place where Bella was just a few minutes ago. I couldn't believe it. I was careless enough to let Bella escape my gaze. It was so stupid for me!

Dread began to replace the panic. What if Victoria stole Bella away from me right under my nose? An image of Victoria laughing flashed in my mind. I clenched my hands into fists and kicked the nearest tree. I pictured it as Victoria's face and sent it flying several feet away from its roots. I went toward the next tree and ripped it out of the ground and hurled it. I didn't even see where it landed and went toward the next one, and the next one.

With each ripping of a tree, my frustration grew instead of going away. I felt so frustrated at myself for being so careless, for letting Bella get stolen away like that. My anger at myself flared to a high point as I prepared to throw the largest tree in the meadow, and then I felt something cold grasp my arm.

In surprise my hand automatically opened and the huge tree trunk slipped through my fingers and landed onto the ground. The large booming sound of the contact sounded like thunder as I slowly turned toward the pale vampire that was behind me.

"Bella…" I stopped breathing. The relief I felt when I saw Bella's figure standing right next to me was overwhelming.

Without thinking I pulled her into a hug. I felt so happy and grateful that Bella was okay that I didn't hesitate, but then I felt her stiffen under my arms.

All at once my happiness dwindled and faded. I felt myself fall into an abyss of darkness as I slowly let go of Bella. My face was cold and expressionless as I addressed her.

"We should go home. Carlisle will explain everything when we get back."

I sounded so composed that I surprised myself, because inside I was screaming in frustration and pain. Bella hated me after all. I was thrown under the waves again.

She looked at me; her eerie red eyes searched my expression. She stretched out her hand and touched my face once more, as if again trying to prove that I actually was there with her.

Her fingers touched my face gently. They ran from ear to my lips and back again. I closed my eyes, enjoying how that felt. Inside me a spark of hope flared, burning brightly, melting away all the hurt. Maybe there was a chance after all…

Abruptly the stroking stopped. I opened my eyes to find Bella turned away from me, her posture unsure. I missed the feel of her fingers already.

"I'm not dreaming…am I?" Her voice was so lovely, so amazing. I could listen to her speak all day long. It was so soothing and musical and delicate. I loved it, but then again I loved everything of Bella. I love Bella.

The spark grew larger and brighter as I strode toward her and turned her around so she would face me. Her face looked unsure and hopeful. I lost myself in her glorious eyes, how could I ever think they were ever eerie? They were exotic and perfect, like everything else.

"No, Bella. You aren't dreaming. This is real, I'm real, Bella." I hesitated, trying out the next words I would utter in my mind, hoping that she would believe them this time.

"I love you Bella. I truly do. Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my existence, but I didn't leave you because I didn't love you. I've always loved you Bella, and I always will." I took a deep breath, searching her expression. They were still unsure, but they had another touch to it. They had a touch of longing.

I leaned inward, her lips got closer and closer. I stopped breathing all entirely, my body ached for hers. I wanted her so much. I closed my eyes, and then there was contact.

The feel of her lips on mine produced an effect that I had long forgotten. All of the sudden all the locked up emotions chained inside me were released.

Lust escaped, and was increased as she kissed me back with such a longing and passion that through me off balance. We were falling, but it didn't matter. It didn't matter that I was lying on the cold wet ground. It didn't matter if Victoria or a dog came now and saw us. All that mattered was that Bella and I were kissing.

I kissed her back with the same amount of passion and longing, but then her lips grew urgent. Her body pressed against mine sent electrical shocks through every nerve endings. Her fingers knotted in my hair as her tongue lightly traced the contours of my lips.

We stayed that way for a long time, never ceasing to stop to take a breath. Then we broke apart unwillingly, our lips still tingling from the kiss.

I touched my lips with my fingers. The absence of Bella's lips made it feel strange. I looked at Bella and smiled when I saw her doing the same thing. She smiled back at me, her perfection dazzled me.

The sun came out, the clouds gone, and then we kissed again.


	22. Chapter 21: Bella's Story

**Okay, yeah. I FINALLY updated. Sorry about that! But life is, life, and I needed to pay attention to it. Anyway, I'm not happy with this chapter at all, probably I rushed to type it, so if it seems confusing or bad, then I'm sorry. I will try to pay more attention to all my fanfics.**

We sat in the meadow, indulging ourselves with each other, trying to relearn our bodies and behaviors. The sun rose to its high point over us as we kissed once more, the heat warming out bodies.

The emotions that ran through me were ones that I didn't feel in a long time. Happiness, desire, lust, joy, all converged and ran through me at fast paces, never ceasing to run out.

At last we broke apart, beginning to breathe again. I drank into the appearance of her lovely perfect body as she paused to look out toward the meadow.

"I love you, Bella." I whispered. And I did, even more than ever. She turned slightly, her rich hair blowing in the wind.

"I love you, too, Edward." There was a small smile on her face as she snuggled closer to my body. But then I saw a small trace of indecision and pain cross across her face, and then it was gone.

Even if I couldn't read her mind, I knew what she was thinking about. She was thinking that I may leave her again.

It did hurt that she didn't trust me enough to believe me when I said that I wouldn't leave her again, but it was to be expected. I had broken her trust and her heart, and I knew that it would take a long time before she would fully trust me again.

"Bella," I whispered into her hair. It was as smooth as silk and as rich as chocolate.

She traced the contours of my hand; a small smile remained on her full lips. Then she turned to me, her red eyes flashed mischievously as she lightly kissed my cheek.

"Yes, Edward?"

I opened my mouth to speak my mind, but after a second's hesitation I closed it, deciding that now wasn't the time. I didn't want to ruin the moment.

Her eyes searched me in a quizzing fashion as a minute passed.

"Nothing, Bella." I lied. I then leaned forward to kiss her cheek, but she turned away. There was an uncomfortable look on her face as she looked at me.

"You're lying, Edward." She said quietly. I looked at her with surprise.

"How did you-?" I began.

She shook her head. "Now that I'm a vampire you can't lie to me that easily, Edward." She paused. "I know you better than you think I do."

I stared at her, still confused, but now a tinge of unsettlement covered it.

"Tell me, Edward." She stared at me; her gaze never stopped boring into my face.

I felt myself freeze and I regretted ever opening my mouth. I stared back, hoping my face didn't show the terror that I felt. I didn't want to disturb the peace just after I got Bella back.

She moved in closer until her face was only millimeters away from mine. She gazed at me from underneath her ebony lashes, her eyes were pulling me in.

"Please, Edward. You can tell me." She bit her lip in preparation; the worry was clear in her eyes.

I took a deep breath and held her hands.

"You know that I love you, right?" I said.

Her eyes widened and I saw her mouth pull into a tiny smile as she nodded.

I closed my eyes and begun again. "And that me leaving you is the biggest mistake of my existence?" She nodded again, but froze, sensing that what came next was the thing I didn't want to say.

"After I left, there was so much that I missed, so many events that occurred and I wasn't there to help you through them until the end. I want to know everything that happened so there are no more secrets between us, Bella. I want to… understand why you did some things. Can you tell me… what happened after I left?"

I opened my eyes once again and looked at Bella's face. Her expression was composed and unreadable, but her hands were shaking as she slowly withdrew them from mine.

She turned her head slightly and sighed.

"It hurts to remember, Edward, but you're right. I need to tell someone that would understand and you need to understand how hard it was for me." Her eyes took on a faraway gaze, as if she was slipping into a memory already. Then she began.

"I didn't take it really well. I believed you. I believed every single word that came out of your mouth. It broke me, tore me apart." Her voice was flat and I saw the pain in her eyes.

"Most of the earlier parts are a blur, but I did remember getting admitted to the hospital. I didn't remember why I got admitted, though. At first I was listless, only showing signs of life when I ate. I refused to cooperate with the doctors and nurses. And after months, they gave up and let me tend to my own, hoping that a little space would speed up my recovery.

She took a shuddering breath. "But after a year or so, I began to have awful nightmares, dreams. They would come in the shape of…" She hesitated, gauging my expression, then continued.

"Of you. I would dream that you would come back only to leave again and break my heart over and over again. The dreams drove me insane. I was torn between reality and dreamland, often mixing the two up. In the end I even attacked my nurse. But by the time the doctors did anything, it was too late. I was far too confused for anything. I couldn't remember what normal life was and I was constantly on the edge.

"But the edginess disappeared quickly and was replaced with something worse. I would feel hopeless, suicidal even. I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to sleep, all I wanted was to stare out the window, to look for a glimpse of you.

"Pretty soon I didn't even know how to talk, or how to do anything. Nothing would interest me. My only enjoyment was a small pocket knife that I discovered was hidden in my pocket. I'm not sure how it got in there, but, there it was…

"Sometimes, when I was feeling especially dull I would pretend to slash my arms or cut out my heart. I would never really do it to myself because I was still waiting for you, but still. The thought of it sent shivers down my body.

"I was careful to hide it. I mostly carried it with me, since it was small enough, but sometimes I would slip it in between the mattress or under the pillow or who knows where. I had to alternate the hiding places every day just in case a nurse or one of the hospital staff will discover my secret.

"But soon, I forgot where I hid the knife. I forgot everything, and I was even starting to forget how you looked. When I pictured you your face would be blurry and disorientated. I couldn't make you out. That's when I really hit rock bottom. With no knife and no you, I was a living corpse. I did nothing but stare out the window each day and for half the night. But then…"

A tiny smile was on her face now as she looked at me. I saw my own expression reflected in her eyes, but what's more was how I felt. I was in agony. Thinking of what Bella went through, it hurt so much. The guilt, the pain, it was swallowing me, and the only thing keeping me here was Bella.

She noticed my grimace. "What's wrong?" She asked concernedly.

I shook my head and motioned for her to continue on. I needed to know this; I needed to know the truth.

Her face still showed concern, but she continued on anyway.

"You came. At that time I wasn't well enough to recognize anyone, but now I understand. It was you." Her smile quickly faded.

"By that time I had given up. I believed you were never coming, but that didn't stop me from searching for you and crying over you. It was a habit that I couldn't break, and maybe deep down I still always believed that you would come back.

"But I didn't know that you actually did come back. I thought you were simply a stranger, a stranger that my own body knew so well even though my mind didn't. I was in despair. I was falling in love with you all over again, but I didn't know it was you, yet I couldn't stop myself.

"Pretty soon things got clearer; I was able to remember some parts of my old life with the help of you, but I couldn't get rid of the nagging guilt. I thought I was somehow cheating on you by loving another person. Then the nightmares came back, except they differed.

"I dreamt of my own death over and over again. It terrified me. Although I felt safe when you were there with me, it didn't stop. I grew in fear that I would die without ever seeing you again, but your presence kept me sane enough to hold my fear back."

Her eyes looked out toward the landscape with sadness. Just then I understood exactly how Bella must've felt. She was happy, but she was forbidding the cause of the happiness for my sake, when it was really I who she was falling in love with. It was a confusing and complex web of feelings and emotions. I could barely think about rather then actually experience it.

I looked at Bella; that expression on her face tore at me. I hated myself for making her so unhappy.

_How can she still love me after this?_ The thought puzzled me, but at the same time I was also grateful for her love. I was that selfish.

"Then you kissed me. That kiss opened gateways up for me and I enjoyed it, but I felt tainted after that, contaminated. I felt like I had violated your trust, and any chance that I had for you to return.

"That's when I found the knife. I forgot where it was, but that day I just stumbled upon it. The guilt that I felt, I knew I couldn't live with it anymore, so I…"

She trailed off and looked into my eyes. I quickly embraced her in a hug as she shuddered and gasped. I felt myself come apart at the seams.

"Oh Bella… If I knew. If only… I'm so sorry Bella." I closed my eyes and kissed her cheek.

Bella shook her head. "No, Edward. I should be the one sorry, for putting you through all this. I can't even imagine how you felt when you found me… bleeding."

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella. Don't feel guilty when nothing was your fault. It was all my fault, and nothing you say can change that."

She gripped my head and lightly laid her lips on me. The kiss was lined with sorrow and forgiveness, but also passion. I kissed her back, but my mind was preoccupied to that night when I found Bella bleeding and dying. The sight of Bella lying on the floor, all crumpled and bleeding brought back a fresh wave of bad memories.

Bella broke away, seeing that I wasn't into it. She curiously searched my expression with her own hurt one. I managed a weak smile to reassure her.

"Go on…" I swallowed, even though I didn't want to hear anymore.

She turned away from me and fingered my pale arm.

"That's the last thing I remember for a long time. Afterwards, I remember nothing but pain, and then there was something else… There was a… fire that burned me." She struggled for words as she tried to explain to me what happened next.

"That was the transformation. I…" I stopped in shame. I had risked Bella's soul for my own selfish purposes.

"You bit me and now I'm a vampire, right?" Her voice had a teasing quality, but there was no mistakening the anger in her voice.

I bit my lower lip and looked down at my feet. Then I felt two strong fingers tilt my face upward.

Her eyes widened. "You regret changing me, don't you? Am I not enough? Will you not love me now that I'm a vampire?"

I shook my head, unable to look at Bella. I couldn't imagine her furious expression. Of course I would still love Bella! I would love Bella always and forever, vampire or human, but I couldn't help but feel that she lost so much and gained so little.

Finally I made eye contact, my face cringing in sadness. Bella's expression softened as she let out a sigh of relief. Had she really believed that I wouldn't love her anymore, when it was I, who had changed her?

"Don't feel regret for changing me, Edward. I don't care why you did, but I'm glad you did. All I need is you, Edward. I love you."

I smiled for her sake, but the smile wasn't genuine. As much as I couldn't live with Bella and I wanted her to be near me, I didn't want her to share the same fate as me. Such a pure and innocent person; how can someone like her go to hell for nothing like someone like me who killed so many humans?

"You don't feel any regrets for the life you left behind, Bella?" I murmured.

She kissed me, it was long and sweet.

"No regrets. I got everything I ever wanted. You are all I need. Besides," she smirked, "At least now I can be superman occasionally and you can have a turn being Lois Lane."

I laughed, suddenly free of all worries. Bella always did make me feel wonderful inside. It was like everything was finally perfect; the world was finally turning right-side-up. No more danger, no more heartbreak, no more sadness.

But then I smelled a disgusting smell, a stench of something utterly repulsive, and that's when I knew that my perfect world has shattered and we were all in danger.

Werewolf.


	23. Chapter 22: Werewolf

**I'M SO SORRY!!**

**How bad am I? xD Ok, so I know I haven't updated in... 6 months? More? xD SO SORRY! I kinda lost my interest in Twilight until Breaking Dawn came out, but now the Twilight obsession came back. Even if it goes away, I WILL finish this fanfic. You'll see an update... in a week or so? xD I'm still really busy with my summer. SORRY! But I WILL update writes a note to remind her to make update**

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To have something so joyous to be taken away just like that would've left me gasping for air, if I was human. But I haven't been human for a long time. Even so, that brief moment of happiness, of love, of ecstasy, was shattered when that disgusting stench of dog hit my nose. I gritted my teeth; of course those stupid dogs would ruin everything. But I couldn't think of that now. Right now, Bella, my family, everyone, was in danger.

A war was set, and the battles were going to be fought.

Bella sensed the sudden change in the atmosphere; her eyes looked inquiringly into mine.

"What's wrong?" Her voice was strained with worry as she studied my expression. I didn't respond; I was too busy calculating how fast the wolves would reach us. The scent blew from the South and was carried by the wind. Judging by the strength of the scent and the speed of the wind…

I mentally calculated the numbers together and they confirmed my worst fears.

In a flash I was on my feet; my hand gripped Bella's arm as I urgently pulled her upward. But I was met with resistance; she was pulling back. My frown deepened as I used more strength, but it was no use. She was still stronger than me.

I let out a light snarl of frustration. "Bella! There's no time! We need to get out of here!"

She shook her head stubbornly. "Not until you tell me what's going on." She said through clenched teeth, her eyebrows set.

I met her stubborn eyes with mine; I could see there was no changing her mind. In one breath I quickly explained the situation. I explained about the werewolves and the treaty we made and violated while another part of my mind was rapidly calculating the amount of time it would take to go back to the house and warn the others.

"You mean werewolves exist _also?_" She said after I finished, her tone incredulous. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath then opened her eyes again.

"So that's why it smells." She muttered, then quickly pulled me upward.

"Come on, there's no time to waste. Our family is in danger."

And with that the forest turned into a blur.

* * *

By the time we were within a hundred yards of the house, I knew something was wrong.

I ran even more urgently; my movements tinged with despair. The scent of dog here was even stronger. It overwhelmed me, making me gag with revulsion. But then my nose caught another scent mixed in with the dog smell.

This new smell was the smell of burning flesh. A smell that can only be emitted when a vampire was burned. My expression twisted in horror as comprehension came to me.

One of them, one of my family members, was dead.

My face felt as if it was literally carved from stone. Horror, pain, guilt, sadness, hatred, loathing, the thirst to rip one of those dogs' heads off mixed inside me threatening to burst. My insides twisted as the news finally sunk in. I was never going to see one of them again. I almost broke down right there, but then I remembered that Bella might not have been aware of the situation yet. I struggled with my composure to protect Bella and delay her grief. My face was an expressionless mask of apathy, but my insides were crying and wailing in grief. I knew that it showed through in my eyes.

Who was it? Who had… died?

Was it Alice? No, it couldn't have been. Jasper would never let anything happen to Alice, unless… it was Jasper. But Jasper was perfectly capable of taking care of himself. And it couldn't have been Emmett either. He was the strongest of us all, and he would've protected Rosalie with all his might. But…

My dead heart dropped with dread. What if it wasn't just one? What if it was two? Or three? Or… all of them?!

My thoughts raced along with my legs as I pushed myself harder; my grip on Bella's hand tightened. I didn't look into her eyes to see if she caught on yet, if she knew that one of them was dead.

I strained myself, listening for stray thoughts. Nothing. Nothing but silence except for the slight ruffle of tree leaves from the wind.

An opening of the forest was ahead. I picked up my pace, feeling Bella do the same. The light got closer and closer until we burst through the opening, suddenly flooded with images. As my eyes took in the damage, my breath stopped as my worst fears were confirmed.

The house, our home, the only safe haven we had, was destroyed. Splinters of wood lay discarded at my feet. The door was missing and huge chunks, the size of boulders, were torn from the house until it resembled something like swiss cheese. A brief glance through one of these huge gaping holes told me that the inside looked like a battlefield; with mounds of rubble everywhere. A cloud of ominous smoke filled with the stench of burning vampire hovered over the area, making my nose burn with a sense of loss and despair. I clenched my teeth; those dogs were going to pay for what they did to my family.

But it was completely silent from both sound and thoughts. The scene of the attack was deserted from both vampire and werewolf.

I head Bella gasp beside me. She broke away from me and drew in nearer toward the house, surveying the damage. Then she closed her eyes and put her hands to her face as a sign of defeat.

"The werewolves…" she murmured through her hands. Her voice was trembling as she continued. "They… they did all of this?"

She was shaking. In a few steps I was by her side, hugging her, trying to reassure her that everything was ok.

"Bella… please… its ok. We'll find the rest. I'm sure they're…" I hesitated, torn between comforting her or letting her know the true situation.

Suddenly Bella was out of my embrace, her eyes stern and tinged with grief.

"Don't lie to me Edward. I'm not the delicate human anymore that needs protecting. I'm a vampire, the same as you, and I'm a Cullen now."

I stared at her, and laughed. It was a weak laugh that sounded deflated, but it was still a laugh. I knew I shouldn't be laughing in this situation, but when she said that it just reminded me of how stubborn she was- and still is. And I remembered how much I missed that about her.

Bella narrowed her eyes. Immediately my laugh turned into a low murmur.

"You're right Bella. I'm sorry." I gently pressed my lips to her forehead, trying to relieve her tension. "But old habits die hard. No matter what you are, human or vampire, you're still my Bella, and I love you so much that I can't help but protect you. I just can't lose you again."

She twisted her head up to meet my lips and we kissed, one sweet moment of happiness in all the chaos.

"I love you too, Edward, and I will forever." She said; her lips still on mine.

And that one moment was enough to forget everything that ever happened, my leaving, her fall from grace, the death that happened just when everything seemed fine, and the war that was staged upon us.

But as soon as we broke apart, reality dragged as back down in the dismal abyss. Reality reminded us that nothing was right, that right now we were stuck smack in the middle of a battlefield and one of our own, or more, was already lost. That was enough to eclipse my optimism and sink me back into the black clouds.

But then I look at Bella, beautiful Bella, my Bella, my love. I look at the determined set of her eyes as she flashed a reassuring smile in my direction. I feel her hand in mine as I slowly took a deep breath.

And I'm ready to face it all.


End file.
